I've never had a deep conversations friend. I've
never had they know my everything friend. I've never had the
they understand me friend. I've never ever felt fully included.
I've had close friends, but I always knew there was this
imaginary line that I couldn't cross. That there was always a
part of me that they wouldn't be accepting of. When I was
younger I had so many friendship groups. I had a group at school,
and another friend group at Saturday school. The Saturday school
was filled with kids from my ethnic community. It was great.
Randomly one day, this girl told me that my Saturday friend group
didn't like me anymore. That they didn't want to be my
friend anymore. I regret not asking why because till this day I see
them round, and at the back of my mind I wonder why they decided I
wasn't good enough to be their friend. I really distanced
myself after that. I was really friendly and outspoken when I was
younger. Looking back that was a sad turning point for me. I became
a lot more self conscious. A lot more introverted and internalised
everything. Nowadays they probably have forgotten about that
incident and think I'm just unapproachable and stuck up. It
just sucks sometimes. I feel like I'm missing out in the full
community experience since I don't have any of them as my
friends. Our relationship has gotten way too awkward now. My friend
group at my school was in shambles around the same time. My best
friend moved states and so I made new friends. With a bully. She
bullied me about everything. My weight, being the main thing. What
sucks looking back, is that I believed that I was fat. I was tiny!
But I stuck with her because I felt like I had no other friends up
until the end of middle school. When I quit being friends with her
she threatened to self harm. I ignored her. That's the most
selfish thing I've ever done. She sought help, but I never
turned back. We still have this awkward friendship going. After her
I made new friends. The friend group I have now. They're okay.
Very superficial. I never talk about my feelings, just school
related stress is as deep as the conversation goes. I never talk
about my family situation. My depression. My life goals. It kinda
sucks. I always hope I'll come across a new friend, one I can
open up to. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a flaw in my
personality. Maybe I'm not meant to have friends. But I'd
like to believe that there's someone out there for me. If not
only a friendship, maybe even a romantic relationship too. Yeah, a
soulmate. That'd be nice.