First you worry about not being able to feel anything. Live your
life feeling numb. Like you're not normal, like you're
missing out on something. Emotions caged up. You can control your
facial expressions. No one would know you're sad. Because
you'd trained yourself, you'd gotten so good at keeping
what you wanted to hide, hidden. But somehow, almost all at once.
You can't control it. When you're sad, your jaw feels
heavy. Your eyes tear up when you don't want them too. You
can manage a blank face, sometimes a forced smile. But your eyes
give it away somehow. You can be smiling wide, but they'd
know something is off. They'd try comforting you, but their
comfort hurts. It always feels like manipulation. You just want
to be alone. You don't need to hide your turbulent feelings
when you're all alone. But then you get lonely. When
you're lonely it sucks. Because then you can cry. Sob even,
that's what showers and pillows are for after all.