I thought about you a hundred million times- about how
sorry I was, how much you changed my life, all the good times and
the bad times played like movies in my head. I thought about you
so many times that the individual streams of thought flowed into
a river that constantly ran through my mind; a babbling brook of
guilt that sometimes spilled out of my eyes. Ive spent so many
hours trying to force these feelings of mine out of me and into
the space between us, but the sounds get so lost in translation.
Every song is just a single moment of bursting feeling, threaded
through my vocal chords and woven into an image that takes
several minutes to be seen. None of the songs are right. Like a
painting of a place- the image is never the same as the real
thing.I had almost forgotten the feeling you gave me. The single
greatest gift I'd ever received. So unexpected and unexplainable.
Feeling like I had never known my own soul, but somehow you saw
it right away and pulled it straight to my surface so I could see
it too. So I could show it to everyone. You did it again- the
moment you spoke to me, I felt it. Your attention is like fire.
It melts the whole world away.I begged you not to disappear
again, knowing full well you'd say no. But I am selfish, and I
asked anyway. Just so you'd know how much I missed you. Miss
isn't even a strong enough word for the way I feel about being
away from you. You isn't a strong enough word for what I'm
missing. It's like the feeling that somewhere in another world, I
didn't make those mistakes, and our whole lives were different
because I never pushed you away. There's so much I want to say to
you that my mind is too small to even think of it all. Instead
the river will keep running. But a river has life- it is home to
fish and it feeds the grass and trees on the riverbank. I know
this river of feelings for you will lead me to an ocean someday.
Maybe there I'll find the forgiveness I need to give