Quotes added on Monday, May 11 2020

Here I am, checking in, again.
I dont know what to say but I know I just want someone to talk to. I don't know how to be alone, when its just me and my thoughts I feel so empty. I feel so defeated and so lost. I don't know how to live inside my own head all the time, theres no way. I cant sit in silence, its absolute agony. I just need someone I can talk to someone I can turn to, someone I can hold onto. Each day I get further and further away and each time its harder and harder to come back. I really just need something, anything to hold onto.

when the stress of it all made my appetite wither away.
when old habits that brought sadness and loneliness consoled me.
i noticed a correlation between my intake and mood.
every time i became more proud and sensitive.
every word said, every look. it began to feel like an attack.
i numbed it away through sugar highs.
the ketone highs following after a few days of self-hatred. 
when endorphins were the only thing keeping me together.
loving what i was seeing yet ending each day on the verge of tears.
loneliness made everyone an enemy.
missing out on memories i'll never have because i couldn't accept myself.
i couldn't love myself yet, i had more work to do.
looking back at group photos without me, knowing what i was doing while they were taken.
everyone else was a distraction, a hurdle that needed to stop sabotaging me.
i didn't know it then. how scary habits are.
 
maybe it was difficult for me, i just didn't know it then.
i must have struggled. it must have been so hard.
i was doing so well, i just didn't realise it.
perhaps i was more hurt than i thought.
deep down i wanted you to congratulate me.
instead you said, "you've ruined yourself."
i blocked it out but thought about it over and over.
2 years on and i still think about it often.
things must have been really difficult for me then.
when it was all that made me happy,
when i was in that fragile state,
you didn't have to use those words.
you didn't actually have to congratulate me.
you didn't have to look at me like that.
 
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