Top Quotes This Month

God I missed this site. I missed the days it was active. I never want it to get deleted..
& YOU'LL ERASE ME
BUT I'LL ALWAYS
BLUSH FOR YOU
- - - - - - - -
maybe it was difficult for me, i just didn't know it then.
i must have struggled. it must have been so hard.
i was doing so well, i just didn't realise it.
perhaps i was more hurt than i thought.
deep down i wanted you to congratulate me.
instead you said, "you've ruined yourself."
i blocked it out but thought about it over and over.
2 years on and i still think about it often.
things must have been really difficult for me then.
when it was all that made me happy,
when i was in that fragile state,
you didn't have to use those words.
you didn't actually have to congratulate me.
you didn't have to look at me like that.
 






















 





I am currently 22 and remembered this website & logged in. I am now currently hot boxing a car with two people I graduated with. #corona








 






 




 




A rose petaled bath in Paris, a view of the Eiffel Tower against the sky through the window, classical music softly playing from another room. A long shimmering white robe, moonlight, and internal peace. 





And no one will know, just how close I was to ending it right then and there. Knife to my wrist. You don't even know. But would you even care? 
 


Here I am, checking in, again.
I dont know what to say but I know I just want someone to talk to. I don't know how to be alone, when its just me and my thoughts I feel so empty. I feel so defeated and so lost. I don't know how to live inside my own head all the time, theres no way. I cant sit in silence, its absolute agony. I just need someone I can talk to someone I can turn to, someone I can hold onto. Each day I get further and further away and each time its harder and harder to come back. I really just need something, anything to hold onto.

when the stress of it all made my appetite wither away.
when old habits that brought sadness and loneliness consoled me.
i noticed a correlation between my intake and mood.
every time i became more proud and sensitive.
every word said, every look. it began to feel like an attack.
i numbed it away through sugar highs.
the ketone highs following after a few days of self-hatred. 
when endorphins were the only thing keeping me together.
loving what i was seeing yet ending each day on the verge of tears.
loneliness made everyone an enemy.
missing out on memories i'll never have because i couldn't accept myself.
i couldn't love myself yet, i had more work to do.
looking back at group photos without me, knowing what i was doing while they were taken.
everyone else was a distraction, a hurdle that needed to stop sabotaging me.
i didn't know it then. how scary habits are.
 
you're just a blemish now. a stain that i'm working hard to remove. i keep scrubbing it away. like an old grease stain that can't let go.
i want you gone.
when the ache in my chest has subsided,
when that worried feeling finally goes away.
when i can wake up without feeling weighed down.
when i can feel ease and know contentment.
when happiness is enjoyed and no longer so fleeting.
when i can put this depression down.
when i can lock this anxiety away.
when food is just food and friends are just friends.
when work is passion and family is love.
surely then this ache would go away.
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