Top Quotes This Year

the audacity.
the person who has made my home life miserable
asking me if i'm depressed.



We were all kids once. I remember everything about this site. This was my home back then. My comfort. My nostalgia. So many parts of me are scattered around this site. I remember exactly how attached I was. How this was my introduction to creative outlets, socialization, coding — all the skills and emotions this place has invoked. I am reminded of the past. This is my machine back to feel the memories in real time. I always come back here. All roads lead back here.


We were kids once. We were kids together.
Now I'm 20.




 
                   














   "It only
   hurts
  this much
   right
  now".







 
 
can't, won't do it anymore

maybe you're not listening.
maybe i want to come clean.
the itching in my ear woke me up.
then i heard the clink of a glass cup.
i put two and two together.

maybe you're not listening.
maybe i want to come clean.
i almost cried on my way to work.
heard a lyric about family and my eyes hurt.
i put two and two together.

maybe you're not listening.
maybe i want to come clean.
you're feeling sick and want my help.
i drowned you out and soothed myself.
i want you to put two and two together.

i'm sitting  on a bench in coney island, wondering
'where
did my
baby go?'

I am still immersed in my thoughts of what happened after my visit to the psychiatric hospital. When we entered the acute care unit, one of the patients -called H- said, with sadness in his eyes mixed with willpower and hope: Why don't you enter, we are not crazy, we will not kill you. I did not look upon him or any of the patients with pity as my colleagues did. We talked with all the patients , some of them admitted that they were sick, and some of them denied. However, the young H said: I am mentally ill, not crazy, I used to suffer from schizophrenia and now I am bipolar, I was studying engineering, but I did not finish my studies because of the disease. We left the section he was in, he kept looking through the glass and his eyes tried to resist sadness with courage, but his eyes deceived him. Yesterday 18.03.2023
i made you the bad guy, the reason why they're on my bad side.
i made you out to be the jailor, the reason why they could no longer see "her".
the docile, passive me. i made them think you stole me.

i was cowardly, i clung to you. the greatest person i ever knew.
my great escape, my safe abode. just wanted them all to leave me alone.
i was sick of being taken advantage of, feeling inadequate and hating myself.

so it was one weekend, then a few. they couldn't reach me, only you.
i was off the grid, all seemingly deliberate. 
you caught on, you always do. you made me confess to you.
i was cowardly and vengeful. wanted to hurt them but made you take the fall.

you're better than me, too kind. you play the best villian every time.
now they think you're the master, the reason why they don't see "her".
but in reality you're the lifeline, reason i can still breathe this breath of mine.
After a girl gets out of a toxic relationship, she's single for a long time. At first, it's lonely in the begining, it's hard. For a little while it even hurts. But after a certain amount of time, she embraces being single and finds it empowering knowing that she doesn't need a man to be happy. But once a girl gets comfortable with being single, it's hard for her to be mentally attracted to anyone. Once a girl gets familiar with being on her own, it's hard for her to be emotionally connected to anyone. Once a girl gets used to taking care of herself, it's hard for her to be dependent on anyone. The reason behind that is, she's not trying to go back to that dark place she was in before, she's not trying to waste her time on a guy who's gonna turn out to be undeserving, and she's not trying to end up with the wrong one. She's spent a lot of time detoxifying herself and finding herself again and the last thing she needs is for another toxic guy to come along and cause her to lose herself again. So yeah , it may require extra attention, it may require effort , and it may require time but if you somehow manage to get her to not want to be single anymore, then you're gonna get a girl who's whole again, who's secure enough, and who's ready to love and be loved again.  
never been.
never was.
feeling empty just because,
you'll never accept all of me.
i tried to mother me for both of us.
the mum shaped hole is still here.
i can't parent myself, i'm too old for this.
my insecurities are words you have said.
my inner critic is also partly you and dad.
i'm sorry i'm moody. i thought i had forgiven you both.
especially these days it feels like a fresh wound.
forgive me, but i can't bring myself to smile.
i'm sorry i can't provide comfort,
but it was always like that for me.
i don't want to pretend anymore,
like i don't deserve better.
it's not fair.
i can cry too.
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