sleepy, but I have some thoughts to share before
I go to bed.
1. I think I'm lonely because I go too fast and look in
the wrong place at the wrong time. And because I'm scared
of letting people close in case we don't click like we
thought we would (like we think we do).
2. I want a pet lizard, but if I get a pet cat as well, will
my lizard be safe? I love reptiles. I want a gecko. And a
snake. Lots of snakes.
3. I found a word for the squeezing throat and burning
4. I have very, very few friends. And maybe none left in this
5. For a very long time, years, I have been the
one who writes the heartbreaking stories. When my friends
want angst, they come to me. Today, I learned about
myself that perhaps I can finally close that chapter. I want
more happy stories in my life.
6. I have known some cruel facts for a long time: telling the
truths about me = dissowned. And I have long resigned myself
(re: tried, failed, struggled) to the idea that I'd never
live a full life for it. I am not -- cannot be,
not me, not who I am now -- selfish enough to throw away my
family for that. But I'm tryhing to look at it in a
gentler light. I'm trying to treat myself like I would
something I loved, rather than something heavy I have been
forced to carry.
7. Nobody really talks to me. Not really. Or at least, very
few people; not many people reach out to me. I think they
care, but I don't think they care that
much. Not enough that it matters how I'm doing if I'm
not right in front of them... I would like to change that,
8. I want my gender to not matter to me.
Okay. Goodnight. xo