I never knew how much things could
change in 6 months.
On March 4th,
2011 my dad committed suicide in my own home. The funny part is,
until I got home at midnight that night, that was one of the best
days of my life. I came home that day on the bus. When I walked
in the door, I met my dad who smiled at me and said, "Hey,
sweetie." (I wasn't always the biggest fan of my dad due
to his alcohol and prescription drug addictions and how he would
treat me and my family when he was drunk or high.)
so I casually said "Hey dad." thinking
nothing of his big warm smile. I'd always hoped my dad would
get better. He was in and out of rehab many times and I just
wanted him to be the nice loving dad I always knew before his
addictions took over his life. He was supposed to get on a plane
to go to rehab in Florida that night for three months so he
couldn't just leave whenever he wanted like he'd
previously done with local rehabs. We found out later that he was
denied a plane ticket and he couldn't be helped. Later that
day in the car with my mom we were talking. Her and my dad sure
didn't get along but were only staying together until we
graduated high school. They really did love each other though,
even if it was hard to tell. Well I told my mom that I wasn't
sure I wanted to have a relationship with my dad when I was
older. So after that my mom dropped me off at my friends house
with the rest of my basketball team to get ready to watch the
varsity girls team go kick some butt in the state championships.
We all went to the game and after they won we all went out for a
celebratory dinner because my older sister was on the team. We
got home around midnight and I ran back down to the car because I
forgot something. My oldest sister was greeted at the door by all
of my pets and she knew something was wrong. All of a sudden I
hear my mom say, "Girls. Get back down to the
car." even though we hear the panic in her voice we
ask why? And then those words came out of her mouth that made my
world come crashing down.
"I think your dad is dead."
Well we go back down to the car while my mom calls 911 and I can
remember sitting in the car with my sisters saying "If
he's not really dead, He's gonna be dead
by the time I get done with him." Of course I hadn't
known what happened yet, and we were saying it to try to make
eachother feel a little but better.
There had been multiple times when we thought our dad was dead.
Especially after his first seizure. I remember just praying to
God he was okay, and he wasn't really dead. Soon after, the
police arrived and found my dad hanging off the banister, from a
blanket wrapped around his neck. He was really dead. When my mom
came out and told us I can just remember me and my sisters trying
to calm eachother down, telling eachother we'd be alright. I was surprised how
calm we could be at a time like this. I know it's terrible
but with the path my dad was taking I think we were kind of
expecting it sooner or later. We sat in that car for about 2
hours while my mom was talking to the police and they took
pictures of the crime scene and removed my dad. Finally, my mom
got in the car and we drove to the only other place we could go.
My Grams house(my moms mom). All I can remember is us walking in
and her giving me the biggest hug, then sitting down on her
couch, trying to take it all in and watch tv or something. I started shaking and running a
fever. I was in shock. Usually you're supposed to go to the
hospital because you can die from shock, well I didn't;t I
passed out later on my grams couch until morning. The next
morning I couldn't believe it. That day was the longest day
of my life. I remember things spreading around on facebook and everyone giving me their condolences or
asking what happened. I remember trying to explain to my friends
what had happened while bawling my eyes out. More people than I
could of imagined came to the wake. Almost everyone I had met in
my whole entire life was there. Some of them didn't even know
my dad, they were there for us which meant the world to me.
People from school I hardly knew were coming. People I didn't
even know were there. I never knew how much people cared and how
kind they could be. Strangers helped me get through the
hardest part of my life. The next day at the funeral, after
saying our goodbyes at the funeral home, I got in the car
and it was raining. I have never cried so much in my
life than that day. In the car, when we were at the cemetery. All
I could think is how could he do this to us? Still
to this day I wonder, Did he do it because he thought we
didn't love him? Or was it because he loved us too much to
put us through that anymore. But all I have to say is if there
was anything I could do in this whole entire world, and go back
to anyday I wanted to, I'd go back to
that friday night I spent at that basketball
game and stay with my dad and talk to him. Tell him that I loved
him and everything would be alright. I'd stay up with him all
night if I had to. I love you dad and I wish I got to know you
better and spend more time with you. I wish you could be there to
meet my boyfriends you said you;d kill if they hurt me, and to
walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and have that special
father daughter dance, I'm sad you won't be there when I
graduate high school, or college.. I'm sad you wont get to
meet your grandkids cause you were always so good with kids.
I'm sad I won't get to see you everyday, or talk to you
everyday. Even though my life is a lot easier now, If I had
one wish, just one wish, it would be to have you back.
I love you daddy.
♥ ,
sweetpea
thanks for letting me vent to you witty(:
I know you'll always be there for
me