i want to cut ; and i want to scar. i want to feel something

i want to cut ; 
and i want to scar. 
i want to feel something other than numb. 

i have broken too many promises, and kept too many secrets. 
blu tack saved my life , 
as well as you.
mainly you.

i was on the verge of death.
there was nothing to live for, 
nothing to hope for, 
just a blank canvas, 
a stupid life. 
a wasted life. 
a boring life. 

a plan to end it, 
a plan to leave a world that apparently hated me. 

i couldn't bare breathing;
i couldn't stand living. 
i wanted it all ended. 

i was right on the edge. 
the edge of life or death. 

life is always the better choice, 
but at the time;
life was the worst.

i don't want pity, for anyone that actually read this; 
i just really needed to vent. 
anyone i tell this too would flip. 
and probably kill me for even thinking it.
so this was really my only other option!

in the choice of life or death ;

i chose life, and part of me regrets it.
❤