There are these little voices in my head. I used to be able to
There are these little voices in my head. I
used to be able to ignore them and just go about my day. But for
almost a year, they have been LOUD. It's all I hear.
They are extremely negative and say mean
things. One voice calls me
fat. Another calls me
dumb. Another tells me I'm
ugly and I'll never look like that
girl. One tells me I'll never be good
enough for anyone or anything. But I also have voices
outside telling me things too. My family. I have my family who
berats me for not being athletic and gets straight A's. My mom
trys to be encouraging, but sometimes I feel like she doesn't
want to listen. She doesn't want to hear that
I'm sad...or depressed maybe. She probably
wouldn't like hearing those words. Her
daughter...depressed. Lately I've been acting out
a little bit. The reason is, I'm tired of being ignored.
Everyone just thinks I'm ridiculous. But I don't want to
make my mom upset with me at the same time. She already been pretty
upset for a while. For a little more than a year my dad has had to
live in a different state for work. He comes home every other
weekend or so. I guess you could say he had an affair...I don't
know what to call it. I came home to my mom crying. She
wouldn't tell me what was wrong so I didn't ask anymore,
but I was still suspicious. I heard her on the phone crying and
talking about her and my dad getting a divorce. I started crying.
My parents and divorce just didn't belong in the
same sentence. They loved each other. Always holding
hands and hugging. I immediately called my two bestfriends Nikki
and Sarah. I didn't know what to do. Then when my mom went out,
I remembered her reading something in an envelope. I went
downstairs and though I probably shouldn't have, read them.
They were emails the woman my dad...whatever with...sent
to my mom. They weren't dirty or anything, just
things that my dad shouldn't have said to any woman but my mom.
I overheard my mom again on the phone saying she wasn't what my
dad wanted and how disappointed she was with him. I was
disappointed in my dad too. My dad then drove 8 hours
to talk to my mom. He wanted to work it out. My brother overheard
my mom too and he had a breakdown at school the next day. He
said he was "sick". My parents told me what happened, but
I didn't admit I overheard either. They ended working it out
and are still together. The reason why I told you this
was because I don't want my mom to be disappointed in me
too. She was already disappointed in my dad...I
don't want her to be disappointed in me too. So I don't
tell her anything. I don't tell her how I feel. Normally I vent
to my friends...but lately I don't like doing that either. I
don't want to bring them down. So I keep everything
to myself. I hate talking about my feeling and expressing myself.
I'm shy and keep to myself. I'm uncomfortable and don't
really open up to people. It's hard for
if you took all that time to read that...thank you. It
really means a lot.