MY THEORY ON WHY I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF. care to read? --------------

I think I know why I say too much/talk too much about myself on Witty.

I think it's because, in real life, I'm not like that at all.

In real life, I dont actually talk much except to a few special people.
In real life, even to those special people, i don't talk enough.
Enough to keep them intereseted in me.
Enough to express how I feel.

And because I don't express how I feel,
I become this angry, wild, terrifying creature whose heart, body, and mind, are all based on my thoughts and imagination and clashing emotions.
This Creature is angry at the world, at everyone, at everything, and most of all, at me.
The Creature searches for escapes and paths and loopholes that don't exist.
When it occasionally gets caught up in a world built of happy fantasies and pretty lies that doesn't exist, it ends up falling that much harder.
And after that, it is just that much harder for it to come to grips with reality.

And meanwhile, on the outside, I'm still sweet and innocent and quiet and kind.

While on the inside, I want to rip something apart.

So, on the internet, I talk about myself to see if people will like the me that's been shut up.
i talk about myself to vent, so that the Creature inside is a little less terrifying.
I talk about myself to try to understand the Creature,
And to find comfort.

Because the fact that the real me is shut up inside of me is a definite problem within itself.

But it's not society's fault.
It's not my friends' fault, when they ignore me or when I try to fit in with them of all people when I don't need to.
It's not my parents' fault as I try to be the perfect daughter and also work around their ridiculously strict rules.
It is not my town's fault, even though its atmosphere is suffocating.

So once I realized this,
and realized I shouldn't be mad at the world,
I became uncontrollably angry at myself.

Because

It is my fault.
My fault.
And no one else's.

And so only I can fix it.
i can.
And no one else can.

And since it is hard to do anything to fix myself while anger still clouds my mind, heart, and soul,
I am still broken.

Therefore, I am still angry at myself.

and I just needed to say,

Thank you, Witty.

Thank you, all of you.

You're helping me deal with this warring pain so much.