My Story from Last Year Part 2/4 One day, I was sitting on the

One day, I was sitting on the bench and she was on the other side by me. She would not stop poking me. And these pokes were more like stabs with her finger. I first asked her to stop, but she didn't. I told her that she was lucky that I strongly believe that physical fighting is never the answer. She just looked at me with an attitude and said, “Am I? Am I really?” It wasn’t the words that finally got me; it was the attitude. I yelled at her saying, "Yes, you are! You know what, I had it!"  People started looking at me. I didn’t care. I walked over and sat on the other side of the bench. Hannah just arrived to school. Everything just burst out. With my approval, Hannah told the counselor that she needed to see me. I saw her only three times.

 

New week, the same thing happened but the difference this time was that Hannah and a friend were there. They would try to stop it by putting themselves between me and her. I didn’t want them to protect me because I’m too weak, too wimpy, too nice to protect myself so I walked away. Later that day, two of my friends were talking about it and a teacher overheard. That was when she was reported. She and I are friends like how we were in the beginning of the school year. It's like nothing happened. But to me, I lost self confidence and self respect. A ton of breakdowns followed after that.

 

It was March in the week of spring break. I was putting my sliding paper cutter away. I was curious how sharp the cutter’s blade was. I tested it on my wrist where my watch laid so the one single cut would be hidden. Totally innocent - just experimenting. Later in the week, I guess I was just tense about everything and the voices wouldn’t shut up. I was curious - wondering why people do it, wondering if it actually helped, wondering what it would feel like. I went in my closet and pulled it out. I only did it two or three times. I didn’t bleed cause the blade is way too small. I felt nothing. I put it back.

 

School started up again. My friends were all starting to get tense because the school year was ending and a lot of drama was starting between each other. I kinda feel like I started the whole mess. That it was my fault. Everyone was hoping for the year to end soon. But I was dreading it! I knew once summer hit people will forget about me. They will live a summer without me but with everyone else. I already saw it happening. I started cutting again.

 

Eventually, I started hanging less and less with people. I made a hide away. It was somewhere where I could have breakdowns. I started ignoring people because I didn’t want to face the agony of missing them in the summer and knowing that they won’t invite me anywhere. I started wondering why I was cutting because I get no result from the cuts - no blood no pain. Then I found a reason why. The next day the cuts would sting a little and itch like a paper cut. That help me keep my mind from wandering to thoughts I didn’t want to think about.  It proved to me that I’m not so innocent! Cutting was proving that I can be mean and that I can be tough.