My story from last year Part 3/3 Last day of school, I was in

My story from last year
Part 3/3

Last day of school, I was in the hallway with Hannah. I told and showed her my cuts. I will never forget her face or the way she said, “Show me your hands.” The way her eyes widen - the way her voice stricken. I swear everything froze and the background blurred just for a second. That day is so clear to me. After I told her. She stood there in shock and didn’t know what to say, I guess. She just left me standing there. I started roaming through the halls. People were passing me, yet, I didn’t notice. I was almost like in a daze of fear and regret. Later, I told Hannah that I’m stopping. But honestly, I only told her that because I didn’t want her to tell anyone. I didn’t want her to worry. I actually wasn’t sure if I was stopping yet or not. I never really felt guilty about the cuts but I felt more like the cuts weren’t worthy of me or my pain. Like, I need to just pick herself up and stop complaining! I never considered myself as a cutter and honestly I hate saying the word. On Father’s Day, my sister found out by mistake. This past year, I have never been so far apart from my sister. I think I didn’t tell her about the cuts originally, because I didn’t want her to worry about her older sister. I should worry and watch out for her - not the other way around! None of my family members except my sister knows about my freshman year.

Once in June, I was having a breakdown again. This one was different. I needed to cut! But, I finally got sick of the blade I been using. I needed something sharper. Something that can make me bleed and feel the pain! I was looking around my bedroom for anything that was sharper. I was desperate. I was trying anything but nothing gave me the satisfaction that I wanted. I was scaring myself. I didn’t recognize myself. The only blade I have doesn’t work enough. If I had one that did, how would I be able to hide those kind of scars without long sleeves? So, I figured to just stop. Later in July, I did find a blade that makes me bleed, but I don't use it much. I don't cut really, but some days you just need too!

I was cutting because mostly the thought of losing my friends and being alone. It's hard seeing pictures of them smiling together at events that they invited each other to. They don't even think about inviting me.  I use to wonder why cutting (not deep) was bad. I guess because eventually you will just want more. I refused to believe it would happen to me, though. Once you get something you will always want more. It’s just part of human nature. I was starting to see that. I don’t think of it as cutting but more as stress relieving. I’m still trying to wrap my head around freshman year. I want to say that it’s all better. But once something is history you can’t go back and erase it. So that means the voices won’t ever shut up. They are still as loud as they were before. I just need to learn to cope with it. I am still afraid of losing the only friends I have like how I lost my old ones but there is a reason for everything... Right?