Story Quote #6205081
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Fallen In Love♥ Chapter 1 ~~~ "I'm going to miss

Fallen In Love
Chapter 1
~~~

"I'm going to miss you so much Katie." A tear fell from Abbie's eye. There I was with my parents. About to get into our car. "Me too." I hugged her. "Make sure to call me when you arrive at California." Her voice cracked. I slightly smiled, "I'll call you everyday." We hugged once again and I went into the car. We exchanged our goodbyes. I looked out of the window. I waved at her. Goodbye Abbie. Goodbye Arizona. I started to cry. I lived here since I was born. I lived here for sixteen years. I started to feel really tired. I fell asleep. It felt like it took forever to get there. We finally arrived at our new home. It was a big house. I opened the trunk of the car and got my luggage. I walked inside the house. I placed my bags down on the floor. "Do you like it?" My mom broke the scilence. "I guess." I mumbled. "Follow me." My mom walked up the stairs. "This will be your room." My dad pointed at a medium sized bedroom. There was a huge closet. This room was much bigger than my old one. I almost forgot. I took out my phone. I called Abbie. "Hey Katie!" She shouted with excitment. "Hi." I grinned. "Do you like your new house?" She sighed. "I guess it's nice." I admitted. It was getting dark. "I got to go eat dinner. Call me tommorow." She hung up. I'm not looking forward to tommorow. I go to school.
~~~
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2 Comments

PurplePanda591 1 decade ago
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guess I like it. But you had to many sentences, no commas at all. I mean,

"I started to feel really tired. I fell asleep. It felt like it took forever to get there. We finally arrived at our new home." You could have changed that to, "I began to get very sleep and dozed off. It seemed that it took forever to get there, according to my family's impatient faces. But luckily, we arrived once I woke up."

See? Save all the typing, and maybe add more transitions and commas. Don't think that you can't link together 2 similar sentences.
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mustachedbunny 1 decade ago
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I like it :) keep writing it.
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WittyStories4Ever

posted August 28, 2012 at 11:24am UTC tagged with story

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