Funny Quote #6464939
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Quote #6464939

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DangerDove

posted November 30, 2012 at 9:09pm UTC tagged with funny

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My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why." My Mother taught me more LOGIC - "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST - "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home." My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when we get home!" My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" My mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your father." My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my age, you will understand." And my all time favorite... JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
DOGS ARE BETTER THAN SOME MEN BECAUSE..... Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what no means. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.