Poem Quote #6791833
all quotes · poem · please · depression · cutting · help ·

Hey guys So I'm thinking about entering a poetry scholarship(even

Hey guys

So I'm thinking about entering a poetry scholarship(even though my chances are slim to none) but for me to enter something I would need it to be perfect, or as close as I can get it. I have a piece I'm considering using but was wondering if someone(Or multiple someones) would read over it and give me their honest opinion on it, and any critiques they have. Please guys I could really use opinions.

UNKNOWN: (Still have to name it)
White noise conversations drone on
I tumble deeper into the crevices
Engulfed in midnight blackness I watch
As those around me dance in the sun's rays
I am consumed by a sense of nothing
Emptiness eats at my soul
Sodden with paint splattered blood drops and tears
Fallen from my dry eyes and bracelet covered wrists
Painted expressions give fradulent assurance of wellness
Plans of release run rampant- a blaze like wild fire
Release escapes me, evading my grasp
Mental torment surpassing physical agony
The unthinkable surrounds- a looming executioner
Desire fills me, impelling me to the edge
Shrieking whisperes of worthlessness overwhelm
Demons calling for blood dripping off the tips of my fingers
Red, black, blinding white pain
Shoving and forcing the plan into effect
The executioner drops her axe
I breath my final breath

I'm really kind of struggling on this poem because it can only be 20 lines and most of my best work has 40+ lines. So please honestly tell me if anything doesn't sound right, is awkward. A word, a line, anything. If something doesn't flow or doesn't fit in with the pattern of the poem. Like honestly guys anything. Thank you, it means a lot.

5 Comments

mj25 1 decade ago

It's very well thought out, but I think you should come up with something more creative as an ending? Idk it's just that usually the first or the last line of a poem is what people remember. And the ending was sort-of typical you know? It flows very nicely. I didn't spot anything really awkard or out of place. Really amazing poem. :')

reply 0

OnceUponAStory 1 decade ago

Thank you! It means a lot that you like it! I know I wasn't in love with the ending either, like the last three lines. Do you like for the last three lines better?
Emotions tearing me apart like a child on Christmas day
With the swift arc of their blade
I executed my executioner

(by the way, i've decided to name the poem Executed, especially if I use this ending)

reply 0

mj25 1 decade ago

I like that ending! But do you think there should be a different word there? Like for excecuted? But OMG. THAT ENDING IT REALLY GOOD! And the poem's title is very, very good :')

reply 0

OnceUponAStory 1 decade ago

I kind of want to keep the word executed because of the title, but what if I changed executioner to murders? or my demons?? and thanks! haha I read your comment and then went to eat some mcdonalds and was like hey, just switch the roles lol(:

reply 0

mj25 1 decade ago

Alright. That sounds good :')

reply 0