Chapter 9
Getting ready was going to be different today i wanted to look
good. Regardless of whether this was a date or all in
my head i knew i wanted to look good. I decided to wear a pair of
white lace shorts , with a loose fitting maroon long sleeve shirt
with a side pocket with maroon vans, curled hair , light makeup,
and gold hoops. The whole outfit flowed nicely. There
was a knock at the door ,and i automatically knew it was Daniel.
I smiled to myself walking to the door to greet
him.
"Hey "I said with a smile .
"Hey , ready to go ?" He asked with a smile
.
"Yeah" I said
coming outside expect to see one of those hideous
things that goes by the name of pick up trucks. Instead I stared
back at a Harley Davidson bad as* black motorcycle. It took me
by surprise , i had a huge fear of motorcycles. I was
not going to share that with him though , that would be giving
him satisfaction. So , i decided to bravely just sit on
the motorcycle in expectation of him to join me. Except
, that's not how things went. To my own mortification I fell
right on my butt trying to get on. I looked up to a chuckling
Daniel with his hand out offering me assistance. I really
shouldn't try to pull off the tough girl act it doens't
suit me. I took his hand , he pulled me up without any effort
needed. He lightly placed the helmet on my head. Gently touched
my chin fastening the straps.
"Thanks "I mumbled.
"You are welcome"He said in a normal voice getting on
the bike and placing his own helmet on easily as if it was second
nature.
"You coming ?"He said with a smirk. Just staring at me.
I gave him a sarcastic look ,and than got on.
"You know that requires actual physical contact with me ,
scary i know but you'll actually have to wrap your arms
around my waist unless you have a death wish. "He said.
Something he said about a death wish sent my brain off. Just that
sentence enough was enough to get me thinking about my addiction.
He must have noticed something was up , because he asked with a
concerned look
"Are you okay ?"
For example. The first sentence should actually be two sentences, divided between different and today. Or at least with a semi colon if not making them diff sentences. Also, the sentence beginning with "regardless" is a little bit repetitive, with you again saying the I want to look good thing. Instead you could do something like: "Getting ready was going to be different today. I wanted to look good, regardless of whether this was a date or all in my head."
When you are describing her outfit, you can again separate it into two sentences instead of repeatedly using "with". My seventh grade teacher forced us to write essays while never using the same word In a sentence twice, even it was "a" or "the" or something. It was a wonderful excersize; you should try it some time. Anyway, after you say "side pocket," you can start a new sentence and start it with something like, "I accesorized the outfit with blah blah" and describe the shoes, make up, etc.
After that, you again are very repetitive with the word "smile." When you're talking about her walking to the door, you can say something like, "I was trying to surpress a giddy smile while walking to the door" or something like that. Then when she says hi to him, you could use the word grin instead of smile, and say something like"'Hey,' I grinned, unable to contain my excitement." And when he says hey back at her, you could use the word smirked rather than smiled or reusing grin. So it could be "he said, smirking at me." Or just "he smirked."
Later, when you talk about her fear of motorcycles, and between the words "though" and "that" when she decides not to share her fear, instead of using a comma, it would be more effective to use a hyphen. In the next sentence, starting with "so," you don't really need the "with the expectation of him joining me" part, because its pretty much assumed that she expects him to join her, you know?
And again, when you write that sentence about the tough girl look, it should be two sentences really, separated between "girl" and "act." If you don't make them different sentences, at least use a semi colon or hyphen. If you want to use a comma, say "..act, because it doesn't..."
In the next sentence, there should be an "and" between "hand" and "he." And as for the following two sentences about the helmet, this time, they could actually be one, since "gently touched my chin fastening the straps" isn't actually a sentence. Instead of a period there, use a comma to combine that sentence to the one before, to make it, "He lightly placed the helmet on my head, gently touching my chin while fastening the straps."
After she thanks him for that, he says "you are welcome." It just sounds kinda awkward, so use "You're welcome" instead, cause no one really says "You are."
Then after he asks if shes coming, again you can combine the next two sentences about him smirking and staring. But actually, they are kind of contradictory anyway. Like its not "JUST staring" if you're smirking too, you know? So just choose one adjective to use there.
Then in the dialogue when he talks about her holding him, it should be, "You know THIS" not that, and it would be more effective to surround "scary, I know," with hyphens rather than commas.
There are also little technical things like the spaces before commas and stuff. There's a lot more i could add, but lets start with that. Hope that helps(;
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I just finished my sophomore year too. How old are you?