Update Quote #6792934
all quotes · update · story ·

Summer that changed it all Chapter 9 Getting ready was going


Summer that changed it all


Chapter 9
Getting ready was going to be different today i wanted to look good. Regardless of whether this was a date or all in my head i knew i wanted to look good. I decided to wear a pair of white lace shorts , with a loose fitting maroon long sleeve shirt with a side pocket with maroon vans, curled hair , light makeup, and gold hoops. The whole outfit flowed nicely. There was a knock at the door ,and i automatically knew it was Daniel. I smiled to myself walking to the door to greet him.
"Hey "I said with a smile . 
"Hey , ready to go ?" He asked with a smile . 
"Yeah" I said coming outside expect to see one of those hideous things that goes by the name of pick up trucks. Instead I stared back at a Harley Davidson bad as* black motorcycle. It took me by surprise , i had a huge fear of motorcycles. I was not going to share that with him though , that would be giving him satisfaction. So , i decided to bravely just sit on the motorcycle in expectation of him to join me. Except , that's not how things went. To my own mortification I fell right on my butt trying to get on. I looked up to a chuckling Daniel with his hand out offering me assistance. I really shouldn't try to pull off the tough girl act it doens't suit me. I took his hand , he pulled me up without any effort needed. He lightly placed the helmet on my head. Gently touched my chin fastening the straps. 
"Thanks "I mumbled.
"You are welcome"He said in a normal voice getting on the bike and placing his own helmet on easily as if it was second nature.
"You coming ?"He said with a smirk. Just staring at me. I gave him a sarcastic look ,and than got on.
"You know that requires actual physical contact with me , scary i know but you'll actually have to wrap your arms around my waist unless you have a death wish. "He said. Something he said about a death wish sent my brain off. Just that sentence enough was enough to get me thinking about my addiction. He must have noticed something was up , because he asked with a concerned look
"Are you okay ?" 
 

 

 

29 Comments

lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

Can I ive you some constructive critisism? Cause again I love the sorry idea, it could just be enhanced a lot if you work on some things.

For example. The first sentence should actually be two sentences, divided between different and today. Or at least with a semi colon if not making them diff sentences. Also, the sentence beginning with "regardless" is a little bit repetitive, with you again saying the I want to look good thing. Instead you could do something like: "Getting ready was going to be different today. I wanted to look good, regardless of whether this was a date or all in my head."

When you are describing her outfit, you can again separate it into two sentences instead of repeatedly using "with". My seventh grade teacher forced us to write essays while never using the same word In a sentence twice, even it was "a" or "the" or something. It was a wonderful excersize; you should try it some time. Anyway, after you say "side pocket," you can start a new sentence and start it with something like, "I accesorized the outfit with blah blah" and describe the shoes, make up, etc.

After that, you again are very repetitive with the word "smile." When you're talking about her walking to the door, you can say something like, "I was trying to surpress a giddy smile while walking to the door" or something like that. Then when she says hi to him, you could use the word grin instead of smile, and say something like"'Hey,' I grinned, unable to contain my excitement." And when he says hey back at her, you could use the word smirked rather than smiled or reusing grin. So it could be "he said, smirking at me." Or just "he smirked."

Later, when you talk about her fear of motorcycles, and between the words "though" and "that" when she decides not to share her fear, instead of using a comma, it would be more effective to use a hyphen. In the next sentence, starting with "so," you don't really need the "with the expectation of him joining me" part, because its pretty much assumed that she expects him to join her, you know?

And again, when you write that sentence about the tough girl look, it should be two sentences really, separated between "girl" and "act." If you don't make them different sentences, at least use a semi colon or hyphen. If you want to use a comma, say "..act, because it doesn't..."

In the next sentence, there should be an "and" between "hand" and "he." And as for the following two sentences about the helmet, this time, they could actually be one, since "gently touched my chin fastening the straps" isn't actually a sentence. Instead of a period there, use a comma to combine that sentence to the one before, to make it, "He lightly placed the helmet on my head, gently touching my chin while fastening the straps."

After she thanks him for that, he says "you are welcome." It just sounds kinda awkward, so use "You're welcome" instead, cause no one really says "You are."

Then after he asks if shes coming, again you can combine the next two sentences about him smirking and staring. But actually, they are kind of contradictory anyway. Like its not "JUST staring" if you're smirking too, you know? So just choose one adjective to use there.

Then in the dialogue when he talks about her holding him, it should be, "You know THIS" not that, and it would be more effective to surround "scary, I know," with hyphens rather than commas.

There are also little technical things like the spaces before commas and stuff. There's a lot more i could add, but lets start with that. Hope that helps(;
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

[deleted]
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

[deleted]
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

[deleted]
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

[deleted]
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

And if my "attitude" has anything to do with the winky face at the end, then jftr, it was meant to be a smiley, or with the "sorry idea" at the beginning, that was meant to be story. Again, I am soooooo sorryyyyyy from the bottom of my SOUL for my typos and auto correct.
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

I understand auto correct. I understand typos . I just took the winky face and the seventh grade exercise the wrong way for that i apoligize. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to revise the writing i appreciate it.
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

I'm sorry, but I really don't see how you could misinterpret that, but whatever. When I said you should try that excersize, I was being 100% legit. It was incredibly helpful to me as a writer, and I wanted to share that with you, cause I truly believed it would help you too. And the winky face I can kinda get if you misunderstood, but even that, like after someone types so much for you when it's obv in every other part that they're trying to help not degrade you...like idk. It was just frustrating for me to come on here, give you a bunch of suggestions for your story and you as a writer, and then for you to reply correcting my typos and talking about my attitude when I spent so long, SOOO long, just trying to be helpful. I'm sure you understand why that was very aggravating.
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

Yes ,and for that i apologize.It's just i'm a sophmore in high school obviously with terrible punctuation abilities , so when you said a seventh grade exercise I was slightly offended whilst , i shouldn't have been and i realize that .I sincerely understand why you were aggravated and i apologize. Thank you once again , for you advice and being helpful i honestly appreciate it.
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

It's fine, and I really do hope that helped. and again, i was being serious when I said you should do that exercise. That teacher was wonderful, and the grade we did it in really did not matter cause it was just incredibly helpful(:

I just finished my sophomore year too. How old are you?
reply 1
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

It did ! I'm attempting to get better , each update.I'll try it sometime (: I'm 15 hbu?
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

I'm only 14. When's your birthday? And would you still want some suggestions, or are you good?
reply 1
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

My birthdays was last week. I would still want suggestion(:
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

Ohh okay, well happy belated birthday! I turn 15 in January. Did you finish sophomore year, or will you be in it?
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

Thank you ! I'll be in it. (:
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

Ohh okay. I just finished mine. I was trying to figure out if you skipped grades too lol
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

oh nope lol
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

(: I skipped two, thats why I'm 14 and about to be a junior lol
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

Ah that's cool (:
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

Ehh I guess. And btw, there was a TON of improvement between this chap and chap 11. Nice job(:
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

It has to be at least a bit interesting with older kids right? Thank you (:
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

I mean, I'm just as mature as themm, more so than quite a few, so its basically just less looking around and wanting to smack my forehead from the stupidity surrounding me then if I was in 8th like I'm supposed to be lol.
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

If you're 14 wouldn't you be a freshman , or going into sophmore year?
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

Yeah I mean I'd be finishing eighth right now and going into ninth.
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

No , because i'm 14 and i'm going into my sophmore year and haven't skipped any grades.
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

uhh you said you just turned 15? In America you usually go into 10th at 15 or at least turn 15 in the first few months of it, cause all the Sweet 16's are during sophomore year lol.
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

Yeah , sorry i'm just so used to saying 14 it's a habit ,but yes I am american .But yes wait did you just turn 14 or are you turning 15?
reply 0
lost dreamer* 1 decade ago
show buttons

Haha I get that. I'm like legit 14 and 1/2. I turn 15 in January, which is past the school cut off date, so I should be entering ninth grade right now. (:
reply 0
Mystery_Writer225 1 decade ago
show buttons

Oh that makes sense.(:
reply 0

4 Wittians like this

iTori0716Halo Angel1*Rajsonkarlost dreamer*

Mystery_Writer225

posted June 13, 2013 at 10:17pm UTC tagged with update, story

more quotes by Mystery_Writer225

related quotes