"She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about
Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right?
It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then
in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle
who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis
was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off
to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why
didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why
are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday
party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like,
"Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're
lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party.
There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean,
right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and
started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped
out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back
in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she
was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack."