I never realized how much I hate
everything until now. I don't understand why I'm so
bitter. No actually I do. I think I oughta explain myself first
before I let people agree with the fact that I'm a bad
person. When I wake up, I look in the mirror and sigh. I put on
some weight and running everyday isn't helping it out much. I
go to the bathroom and weigh myself and I feel even worse. I
brush my teeth and I see how crooked my bottom teeth are, since I
lost my retainers a few weeks ago. Then I decide to not eat
breakfast because I'm running late anyways. It's cold
outside and maybe even raining if I'm lucky enough, and my
bus driver comes late. Then when I get to school I go to my
friend's locker to talk with our friend group. Except
it's not really a friend group, we all secretly hate each
other. I can't even stand how some of my "friends"
even talk anymore, the bullsh/t spilling out almost nauseates me.
So I go to my classes and by the end of the day, I'm happy
because it's finally Friday. I tell my dad I'm going to
hang out with friends tonight, and he tells me that I'll
never become a doctor because I'm not dedicated enough to
school and studying. As I'm getting ready, my mom asks me if
I can help her with her 2 hour long test in 20 minutes. It makes
me mad because she always tells me last minute and it's
always on a Friday. Not to mention all the stupid time I wasted
fixing her stupid papers over the course of the week, she
doesn't think I have anything to do. So I tell her now
because I made plans to volunteer, and she tells me that I'm
a horrible daughter. And she asks me what kind of daughter
wouldn't even help her mother? Then she assumes I don't
love her. No mom I really do I just made plans. Same thing with
my pregnant sister. Her husband acts like a child and is never
home. So she expects me to spend all of my time with her. And I
try my best to help her out, I really do. But I'm not her
husband. I'm not my nieces' father. I can't fill that
gap completely when I'm home alone with my sister and the
kids. I can't even ask her for advice anymore. She's all
over the place and she has two young kids and she's pregnant
again and she just doesn't have the time to listen to my
venting. And it's ok, I got used to it. So anyway, I
tell her that I'm with friends and she asks me if I'm
avoiding her. And she asks me if I still love her. I mean of
course I do, how could I not? My family assumes I'm
underachieving as a way to show my hatred for them. I didn't
even realize I was underachieving. I thought I was doing well.
But they don't fail to remind me everyday that I'm not.
That I'm fat and I'm stupid and I'm lazy and that
I'll never do anything successful in life. And now I
can't even talk to my friends, right? Turns out one of my
closest guy friends is so two faced. I can't tell him
anymore. A few more friends just don't care about what I have
to say. I have only one friend here in this god damn city that I
can trust and love with all of my heart. Everyone else I just
can't stand. They all act like they're better than me or
they pretend that they're there for me and then disappear
that moment. I don't know what I do with myself. I wish I
didn't need anyone. I really do. But it's so hard to feel
pure happiness when you don't feel support from the ones that
you care for most. So I'm bitter, I feel like I just hate
everyone. I have no respect for so many people. I talk sh/t about
them the same way they talk about me. That's just the routine
I'm accustomed to. I honestly just want to go silent for
months. I want to disappear and run away. Because I'm
pretending like I'm happy. And even I think I'm happy.
But then I realize that the people I hang out with on the
weekends most likely didn't even enjoy my company. I mean,
how would you feel when you feel like that after every social
happening? I'm not blaming this on anyone. I'm just so
unhappy with myself because I open up to people way too quickly
and I'm fat and I have no confidence. So I start off my day
feeling ashamed. I really want to change and stop hurting people,
despite the fact they hurt me so much also. I don't need
friends, but hey, it'd be nice to know that people care. It
makes me sick to my stomach knowing that I'm so rude to
people and that I'm so bitter. I just don't want to care
about what others think, but my god I actually want to go to my
high school reunion and see my friends. I've been so happy
about the idea of escaping, I act like I already have. I want to
love everything like I used to. I want to have huge sleepovers
with all of my close friends again. I want my family to be proud
of me. When I leave, I don't want to leave a bad taste
in people's mouth, a bad memory they don't want to
remember. I thought I got better, I thought I was happier. But
then I realized, it isn't often that my friends even call me,
let alone ask me to hang out first. I don't want to be this
huge burden upon people, but god d/mn I feel like it's too
late to change myself enough to change the life around me. What
makes me most bitter is that I alway have to find ways to change
myself. Because obviously, the person I am now isn't doing
the world a favor. Nor was the person I was before. And before
that.