Funny Quote #6997421
all quotes · funny · lol · tumblr · haha · pun ·

at job interview Oh yes, my criminal record? The only thing

*at job interview* Oh yes, my criminal record? The only thing illegal I've done is absolutely
KILLIN it on the dancefloor. Haha, just kidding! I have killed a man

Be the first to comment on this quote.

43 Wittians like this

<
Next >

crybaby

posted June 21, 2014 at 12:37am UTC tagged with funny, lol, tumblr, haha, pun, punny, getit, nailedit, killinit, quote

more quotes by crybaby

for someone who's 70% water, you don't look very refreshing
if you ever feel bad about yourself remember that George Bush was once informed that 4 Brazilian people were killed in Iraq and he responded ‘how many is a brazilian’

related quotes

Is it just me, or did we used to have normal-scented shampoos before? Everything was just strawberry, cinnamon, and citrus. Nice, normal things. Now I pick up a bottle of shampoo and it's all like: "DEW GATHERED BY MONKS FROM THE HIMALAYA MOUNTAINS MIXED WITH A ROOT OF AN ASNCLSCHBK PLANT THAT GROWS ONLY IN AN OBSCURE VILLIAGE IN AMAZONIA, WITH A DASH OF MAGICAL BERRIES FROM NARNIA TO GIVE YOU HAIR SOME VOLUME." AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT STILL SMELLS LIKE CITRUS TO ME.
i'm seriously considering filling my pockets with glitter and whenever someone near me says something really stupid or rude, i'll just reach into my pocket with a dead expression and realease the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of stupid.
one time in high school i didn't read the assigned book and i was like screw it imma write this essay anyway and i had no idea what the book was even about or who the characters were so i just spewed out some bs about archetypes and the teacher came up to me after class and told me i was the only student who truly understood the book.
i just want to go to a coffee shop on a rainy day and order something nice and warm and have an attractive stranger around my age say “I’ll have one of those too, please” and for them to smile at me and introduce themselves and for us to slowly fall in love in a coffee shop but instead whenever I go to a coffee shop , I find teenagers taking pictures of their orders with their iPhones and middle aged women wearing yoga pants..

*at job interview* Oh yes, my criminal record? The only thing