"Promise me you won't do it again" I can't

I can't promise that, and if I do it won't mean anything at all
because no matter how much I promise, or swear
this entire conversation won't mean anything at all
at four in the morning, when I'm feeling like sh..it and wanting to die.
I won't be able to talk to you, because you are sleeping, unperturbed,
whilst I fight the conflict in my mind. I know I will feel guilty, because I had promised,
even though it was nothing to me, it was to you. and
I know you will be disappointed, perhaps angry, and infinitely sad
and I know you will cry, almost as much as me
but in this moment, I'm being selfish,
I'm thinking of no one but myself, and in this moment,
right now, I need release