I think a lot of
people forget when they're talking to me
that I'm sick. I'm not well. I think they forget that
I have to take medicine I'm afraid of every
day, and there are no days when a voice in my head
doesn't say 'just kill yourself' -- at
stupid mundane times, like in the middle of
reading a book or writing a text or washing the dishes or
locking the front door. For no apparent
reason, the voice says 'I'm going to
kill myself', even when I don't think it's been a
bad day or anything. It's become a part of my
mental lexicon, just as much as 'thank you'
and 'sorry'. Reliably, every day -- just kill
yourself. I am not well, and even the people who know
seem to forget because I don't talk about it. I wish it
was as easy for me to forget. But that's not the
case.
I feel like I'm constantly stuck between wanting nobody to know anything about what I'm struggling with, and wanting them ALL to know so they can see how hard it is and how much I sometimes have to fight that they just don't even see. But you're right, and tact and kindness and understanding and acknowledgement has to come from me as well as others. I try to be mature about it but it's just... sometimes a little... hard, you know? I get worn down so easily.
You're always wonderful. I love you. ♡♡♡