Itslikebangingyourheadonabrickwalloverandover Quote #7067112
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I think a lot of people forget when they're talking to me

I think a lot of people forget when they're talking to me that I'm sick. I'm not well. I think they forget that I have to take medicine I'm afraid of every day, and there are no days when a voice in my head doesn't say 'just kill yourself' -- at stupid mundane times, like in the middle of reading a book or writing a text or washing the dishes or locking the front door. For no apparent reason, the voice says 'I'm going to kill myself', even when I don't think it's been a bad day or anything. It's become a part of my mental lexicon, just as much as 'thank you' and 'sorry'. Reliably, every day -- just kill yourself. I am not well, and even the people who know seem to forget because I don't talk about it. I wish it was as easy for me to forget. But that's not the case.



2 Comments

seafoam* 7 years ago
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I've never forgotten that you're unwell (in fact I kind of remind myself of the fact when I'm having my own difficulties; not as a self-depreciating self-shaming thing, like “your problems aren't real or important because they're lesser in comparison” or as a way of pitying you, but as a way of assuring myself I can get through things, because you have and continue to with the admirable ferocious tenacity that only a Slytherdor could manage) but I don't want to speak to you as if that voice is all there is to you. It isn't and it will never be. Your struggle deserves tact and kindness and understanding and acknowledgment, but you don't deserve to feel alienated at the hands of others because of it. You're just as much a whole and valuable human being as anyone who is completely healthy and happy. Though I'm sure you know this already, I strongly hope that it's never slipped your mind while speaking to me, and that I've never said anything tactlessly triggering or belittling in any conversation we've had, as that was never my intention. ❤
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Amenah 7 years ago
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Thank you, Bailey, for always comforting me when I'm feeling down. I love how reliable and caring you are. ♡
I feel like I'm constantly stuck between wanting nobody to know anything about what I'm struggling with, and wanting them ALL to know so they can see how hard it is and how much I sometimes have to fight that they just don't even see. But you're right, and tact and kindness and understanding and acknowledgement has to come from me as well as others. I try to be mature about it but it's just... sometimes a little... hard, you know? I get worn down so easily.
You're always wonderful. I love you. ♡♡♡
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