Status Quote #7070238
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If only I had the chance to go back in time, knowing everything

If only I had the chance to go back in time, knowing everything I do now.

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Andjela *

posted October 25, 2016 at 12:11pm UTC tagged with status, blah, quote

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I wish I knew how to sit still and let life happen on its own. I always jump to conclusions and let my emotions attach to an idea that doesn't exist. I'm never neutral either. I'll put my cynical outlook on life onto any situation I'm going through, and when I decide that I should lighten up, my head is up in the clouds but my feet aren't on the ground. I sabotage myself, or I get my hopes up.
Things just aren't going to work out for me, huh? I've been single for two years, my last relationship was a joke and before that I was with someone who I considered to be my soulmate. I am about to graduate college and I met him when I was a senior in high school. We have been broken up for three years and he still crosses my mind everyday, even though we really don't talk. I was ready to falll in love with my best friend at some point, but didn't let myself fall because I was too scared, and it didn't matter because he didn't feel the same way, so we don't talk anymore because I emotionaly cannot maintain a friendship with him that won't turn into anything more, my heart can't take it. For the last year, one of my exes and I started being f/ck buddies, because it was easy and fun and we didn't want to have feelings. He went on to stat dating another girl without even telling me, and I thought we were better friends than that. And now last night, one of my best friends from high school confessed his love for me, and we slept together because we were drunk and it seemed right in the moment. He was looking me in the eyes telling me he loves me, and I felt something in my heart that I haven't felt in years, since I've been with the guy I thought I was going to marry in high school. But when the sun rose and he had time to process everything, he tells me that a lot of his feelings are from years ago, that he doesn't think that pursuing us is something that he can mentally handle right now. That his feelings were once true, but that this was all in the heat of the moment. And on top of that, I've just been aimlessly wandering on Tinder for years, thinking that maybe if I just stick it out I will end up meeting someone worth my time, but of course I'm wrong. I don't know what to do and I have been immensely disappointed time after time after time and I feel so lost. I haven't had feelings for f/cking years and as soon as it seems like there's a chance, it IMMEDIATELY disappears, just like that. It's as if the moment I feel some kind of emotion, it's an automatic "f/uck you" from life and I get crushed, every single time. I don't know how much more patient I need to be, and how much longer I have to deal with this until I can finally feel my heart set on fire for another person again.

If only I had the chance to go back in time, knowing everything

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Andjela *

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