I wanted so much to just not come back on here but when Im literally

I wanted so much to just not come back on here but when Im literally on the floor crying so hard that I cant even breathe. Holding my chest trying to hold my insides together. All I could do was think of how much comfort I would have felt if you were simply just sitting next to me. I know its bad but literally in the mdidle of one of my break downs and I cant stop wondering on how different things would be. Smoked almost a whole pack to myself. Havent touched alcohol but trying to stay high. Cant. Function. Im so scared of Jacobs surgery. Been scared. Cant eat. Cant sleep. You probably dont want to know this but Jon has no idea how to comfort me. No idea what to do once I break down and cant stop crying. He literally carried me to the bath tub today and got me in the bath because I couldnt stop crying. Riding with Barbara, Gma Wanda and Ashlynn to his apt and Im trying to keep back the tears but they just keep slipping. I dont know what to do. (Tues @4:50 am)