my names devan, i'm currently 18 years old turning 19 in

my names devan, i'm currently 18 years old turning 19 in may. i know that really isn't important but to me its everything,  you see. i lost my grandpa on my 15th birthday due to oral cancer. i resent that day. and now i hate my birthdays because of it. me and my grandpa were two peas in a pod. we did everything together. every weekend we'd go to our favorite chinese buffet and eat till we couldn't anymore cause that was our favorite food. i miss him so much it hurts more than anything and i think that thats why i'm so broken today. he took a big part of who i was when he left and i don't know how to get it back. i'm in school right now and i can't even focus on my school work cause all i can think about is him and its making me want to cry. but i don't want the other students seeing me at my weakest. i'm going to my boyfriends after school for the weekend like i always do and today is our 6 month anniversary and honestly i'm dreading it because of how i feel right now. i just want to be held by him till we fall asleep. i don't even want to celebrate our anniversary. not that it has anything to do with grandpa i'm just really depressed. i could really use a friend or something