~What I wish I could say to you~
I f*cking love you. I f*cking love you. You already know I f*cking love you! I wish I could tell you. I honestly wish it was okay to tell you. I didn't want to have to move on. But after what happened 3 months ago...wow...it was 3 months ago...and 3 months of still loving you, regardless what you did. Well, there's still a part of me that hates you. Hating you for doing what you did. Hating you for seeing what I had to see you demonstrate to your friends. She doesnt give a damn about me. I know she doesnt, thats why I didnt bother with her anymore. And Z, I can't apologize for not seeing him the way he saw me, I was too distracted by you. I was still in love with you and I sometimes really hate myself for that. I knew we weren't going to happen again, so I had to move on. Truth be told, I didn't. As you already know, my trust issues are worse. What he and I are now...he's super sweet. he is. I dont deserve him, and if I did, I just f*cking want you. I know, it's only been 4 days, but I can't just let you go. I have to, I know. And this is so wrong of me for even typing this. I still don't want you to move on...but that wouldnt be fair. Some part of me does hope he and I dont work out. I want *us* again. My friends.. they're accepting. They f*cking hate you for what you did to me, but they've always known how much i've wanted you. All of the times i've cried over you? Those tears were just because I f*cking wanted you back. You weren't popping the question at all, and because of that...I knew I was just hurting myself even more. Not to mention, as much as I want to believe you, I believe the ones that did me wrong more, that you were using me. That you never cared. But you telling me to tell you first if he were to f*ck up, that made me want to cry more and just hug you and everything else...that is not okay. 😠I just...He and I are just giving this a shot. I'm still not okay... but I couldn't close off completely...I'm sorry...I....I still love you... I did then...and I still do, now.
I f*cking love you. I f*cking love you. You already know I f*cking love you! I wish I could tell you. I honestly wish it was okay to tell you. I didn't want to have to move on. But after what happened 3 months ago...wow...it was 3 months ago...and 3 months of still loving you, regardless what you did. Well, there's still a part of me that hates you. Hating you for doing what you did. Hating you for seeing what I had to see you demonstrate to your friends. She doesnt give a damn about me. I know she doesnt, thats why I didnt bother with her anymore. And Z, I can't apologize for not seeing him the way he saw me, I was too distracted by you. I was still in love with you and I sometimes really hate myself for that. I knew we weren't going to happen again, so I had to move on. Truth be told, I didn't. As you already know, my trust issues are worse. What he and I are now...he's super sweet. he is. I dont deserve him, and if I did, I just f*cking want you. I know, it's only been 4 days, but I can't just let you go. I have to, I know. And this is so wrong of me for even typing this. I still don't want you to move on...but that wouldnt be fair. Some part of me does hope he and I dont work out. I want *us* again. My friends.. they're accepting. They f*cking hate you for what you did to me, but they've always known how much i've wanted you. All of the times i've cried over you? Those tears were just because I f*cking wanted you back. You weren't popping the question at all, and because of that...I knew I was just hurting myself even more. Not to mention, as much as I want to believe you, I believe the ones that did me wrong more, that you were using me. That you never cared. But you telling me to tell you first if he were to f*ck up, that made me want to cry more and just hug you and everything else...that is not okay. 😠I just...He and I are just giving this a shot. I'm still not okay... but I couldn't close off completely...I'm sorry...I....I still love you... I did then...and I still do, now.
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