When I first started getting thoughts, I said, "You
know what? This is ridiculous. I need to make
myself better. Moping around and complaining won't solve
my problems." Because it really won't. I wanted to
make myself better. I needed to make myself better. My life
wasn't going to get any better if I didn't solve the
problems within it. So, I was trying to let go. Let go of things
that were sad. I tried to make myself happy, and the first few
weeks were very hard. I kept falling and going into
relapse and I just didn't think I would be able to be happy
anymore. It felt like I was trying to get past a boulder that was
at least 10 times bigger than me and there wasn't a way to
get past it, not even a small hole between walls and the ground.
I so terribly wanted to give up. I didn't give up
though, because I said to myself, "If others can do it, I
can do it too." A few weeks later, I wanted to give up again
because it felt like I hadn't made any process and I just
didn't have enough faith in myself due to being severely
upset and insecure for 3 years. I was having a hard time riding a
bike through Life without training wheels. I was alone. I kept
pushing everyone away because I believed that I and they would be
happier, but that wasn't proven. I wanted to give up so bad
because I didn't see a point in trying to make myself better.
I didn't see me being more happy in life for a reason. I just
saw no point in it. But, I kept going.
My point is, I've been trying to get myself to be happier and
more confident and more positive for a month or two. There were
moments where I saw no point in trying, no point in making myself
better. There were moments where I fell off of the bike and I
didn't feel like getting back up. I was tired of trying
because I kept falling. If you are really sad or depressed,
please get help or help yourself. Even if you don't think you
deserve happiness, everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves a
happy ending. You need to learn to appreciate what you have, even
if it isn't a lot, because you have a lot more than you need.
You're still living, right? You're on an electronic
reading this, right? There is internet around you to read this,
right? You have more than you need. You need to be more positive
and you need to get up and try. You need to get on that bike and
get back on the trail to finish the journey of Life. If you keep
falling off the bike, if you can't balance yourself, it's
ok to ask for help. You never know who will be there to catch you
when you fall or who will be there to help you if you have
problems. It's ok to be assissted in riding the bike for a
little bit. You just need to learn how to ride it by yourself for
the rest of the trip. The longer you ride, the more you stay on,
the stronger you'll be. The more problems you can face.
You'll be able to ride through a storm. Just keep on riding
that bike to keep it balanced. Just don't give up. If you
give up permanently, that's when you become a failure.
Don't give up.