“i could see exactly what i was going to give up,
exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from
losing. [...] for the tiniest fragment of a second, i saw the
bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running
away from me into the familiar forest. when they
disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with
them.”
he'd
been
right
all
along.
He was more than just my friend.
That's why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye –
because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more
than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in
love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was
only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever
had. I didn't care about more than that – than his
pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. I
hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer. In this
moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had
always been and would always be my pain – now his joy was
my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also
pain. Almost tangible – it burned against my skin like
acid, a slow torture.
“The worst part...” I
hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth.
“The worst part is that I saw the whole thing — our
whole life. And I want it bad [...] I want it all. I want to
stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you
happy. And I can’t, and it’s killing
me."
When you find out one of your best friends use to be
obsessed with Twilight.
¬‿¬
¬‿¬
“When we were
five, they
asked us what we wanted
to be when we grew up.
Our answers were things
like astronaut,
president, or in
my case, a
princess.
When we were
ten, they asked us again
and we answered – rock star, cowboy,
or in my case,
gold medalist.
But now that we’ve grown up,
they want a serious
answer. Well, how
'bout this: who
the hell knows?
This isn’t
the time to
make hard and fast decisions,
this is the time
to make mistakes.
Take the
wrong train and
get stuck somewhere.
Fall in love,a
lot. Major in philosophy
‘cause
there’s no
way to make a
career out of that.
Change your
mind. And
change it
again, because
nothing's
permanent.
So make as many
mistakes as you can. That
way, someday,
when they
ask what we
want to be,
we won’t
have to guess. We’ll know.”
"Don't say that. You know how much
you mean to me. I'm sorry it's not in the way that you
want, but that's just how it is. You're
my best friend. At least, you used to be. And still sometimes are . . . when you let
your guard down."
He smiled the old smile that I loved. "I'm always that," he promised. "Even when I don't . . . behave as well as I should. Underneath, I'm always in here."
"I know. Why else would I put up with all of your crap?"
He smiled the old smile that I loved. "I'm always that," he promised. "Even when I don't . . . behave as well as I should. Underneath, I'm always in here."
"I know. Why else would I put up with all of your crap?"
