Best Friend Quotes This Week

Friend: Next time a blocked number calls you, answer like this--"Jim's wh.ore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe."
Me: No. How about, "Nashville sp.erm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. How may I help you?"
Friend: No, you should say--"Henderson's Morgue, you stab em, we slab em. This is Eight Ball speaking."
Me: I think I should say, "Texas creatorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em. How can I direct your call?"
Me: I wish I had a toilet and sink in the corner of my room so I wouldn't have to walk all the way to the bathroom.
Friend: That's a prison cell
Me: In prison your food gets cooked for you, as well. I'm beginning to think that murdering people I don't like wouldn't be such a bad thing.
Friend: You do realize that we're in public and a police officer might be around
Me: Oh no, what are they going to do? Send me to prison?
Me: What if rocks are actually soft but they tense up when we touch them?
Friend: How stoned are you?
Me: Was that a f.cking pun?
Once my friend was waiting for her mom to pick her up and she called her
mom and her mom said, "I'm on my way. Traffic is just slow." and my friend said, "Mom, I called the house phone."

If you don’t get a little gay with your best friends you’re not close enough

when a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn’t spotted you in the tree yet.

Once in high school my friend kicked her leg up and her shoe flew off and smashed into the ceiling with this huge BANG and the teacher whirled around and yelled WHO DID THAT?” and my friend just stared at her as the ceiling tile fell and shattered on the floor between them and the shoe thumped down on top of it and my friend just went that’s not my shoe” while standing there with one shoe on
Being the unattractive friend is not easy.
I don't think we get enough credit.
My parents often warned me that people on the internet could be lying
about who they really are. But I've found that the internet is the only place where people are truely themselves and real life is where they lie about who they really are.


am i the only one who gets more flattered when a stranger or someone i know a little about says 'you're pretty' or 'you're talented' than when your best friend says it. I mean, I do get happy when my best friend compliments me but i just feel like its her 'duty' to say that since she's my friend, ya know? but a stranger has a choice to say it and that makes it more special. please tell me i'm not the only one.


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