Funny Quotes

Emotions are like a passing rainstorm: if you live in Southern California, you may never have to experience one.
With no jihadists or virgins there, how bad can hell be???
When fortune smiles on you, check to see if she's licking her chops.
Personality is the pimple of the intellect.
We can't change the cards we're dealt – but we can pretend to suddenly have a seizure and collapse on top of the card table, scattering everyone's cards everywhere (though usually not more than once per card game).
The plan is the contingency, and the contingency is the plan.
Gazing up at the stars at night, I realize how small and insignificant my problems aren't. – Galactic Emperor Palpatine
They say a good conscience is a perpetual feast.  What they don't tell you: it's all Brussels sprouts.
Never judge a person by the color of their skins.
How am I?  According to cosmic inflation theory, as a result of the exponential expansion of space that occurred 10-36 seconds following the Big Bang.
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