I think a lot of
people forget when they're talking to me
that I'm sick. I'm not well. I think they forget that
I have to take medicine I'm afraid of every
day, and there are no days when a voice in my head
doesn't say 'just kill yourself' -- at
stupid mundane times, like in the middle of
reading a book or writing a text or washing the dishes or
locking the front door. For no apparent
reason, the voice says 'I'm going to
kill myself', even when I don't think it's been a
bad day or anything. It's become a part of my
mental lexicon, just as much as 'thank you'
and 'sorry'. Reliably, every day -- just kill
yourself. I am not well, and even the people who know
seem to forget because I don't talk about it. I wish it
was as easy for me to forget. But that's not the
case.
