Best Joke Quotes Ever

the person who invented marriage was creepy:
"hey, i love you so much, i'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave."


a lot of my life

has been realizing that i would

cross oceans

for people who wouldn't

jump puddles for me


I think its time to shave my legs
So I get home and there's this random guy on my couch and he's like "Alright, I don't want to hurt you. Just put your stuff down and get on the ground. I just want your money." And I almost had a heart attack. I was like, "OMG, please no I don't have any money. I'm too young to die." Then he was like, "Nah man, I'm just messin with you. I'm your brothers friend. He's in the shower, I'm just waiting for him." 

That guy is a genius....

making a joke

in front of a ton of people
and having them all crack up
is one if the most beautiful feelings
you’ll ever feel.
Don’t deny it.


It's funny how if you get an A
on a test, your grade goes up like 2 percent, but if you get an F on a test, your grade goes down like the Titanic.



My mum complained that I've never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger.

Apparently, it was the wrong one.

I've always been confused
how a race car on Mario Kart could flip over because it touches a banana.

I have this really unnatractive
thing on my head called my face

Me walking into Target.
Me: Okay now i'm only going to get one thing-
Target Bulls-eye: LOOK INTO MY EYE

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