When you've been told you're smart all your life and then *newsflash* you aren't, because before you know it, you've been thrown into a class with other kids who've grown up with the same word 'smart' being tattooed into their identity, and it's awful. Because now you're not special anymore. You can't cling onto that one thing that set you apart from the rest. Because now, it's the one thing stringing you together. You're no longer a bedazzled gem, just another bead to the collection. Nothing more. Just stringing along.
& you're going to walk up there with that heart melting smile. No self doubting thoughts in sight. Just comforting cheers coming from the hollows of your mind.
& I wish for that person to one day be me. To be as brave and courageous, and to never take no for an answer. To have self assurance that never withers and confidence that never subsides. To really believe that the sky is the limit and that my potential is bountiful. Like an ever-flowing stream of unmatched vigour.
I like the idea of being a more open person. But it's kind of like how I like the idea of being in a raw, meaningful conversation with someone. I'm in love with the idea, but funnily enough afraid of it at the same time.
Drabble #41 – Sleeping
Pill
It’s 4am, and a voice is
murmuring against my ear like sin, like sleeping pills. I do
not say anything, because you’re picking at the threads
of another conversation I don’t want to have, but we
don’t mention that. You’re so afraid of silence,
afraid of the thoughts that lurk there and the off-chance that
I might get the courage to say them. “Go to
sleep,” you whisper, a smile ghosting around your
lips, as if were that simple. Can’t, I almost
whisper back, you’re all I see when I close my
eyes. Almost.
“Scared of the dark?”
Something like that.
"You
should love yourself.
Love yourself with all of your might,
every little detail, every flaw.
Because if it's one thing I've learned from the world,
it's that you are the only one that will give a f/ck about you, 24/7."
Love yourself with all of your might,
every little detail, every flaw.
Because if it's one thing I've learned from the world,
it's that you are the only one that will give a f/ck about you, 24/7."
I cry when I'm angry
and then that just makes me more angry.
Why me
Why me
I wish things would
just go back to the way they were.
Back to when we were all still friends
and depression was just a word
and goodbyes were only till the next day
Back to when we were all still friends
and depression was just a word
and goodbyes were only till the next day
Love. It's funny because they say it conquers all. I spent my
entire childhood waiting for a love that would sweet me off my feet
like a princess. You grow up expecting a prince to give you
everything you deserve and to carry you over puddles and to sing
love songs to you. And nobody every tells you that the thing love
can conquer is your hope and your innocence. I spent my life
waiting to love someone like in a movie and I didn't realize
that love could be so relentlessly devastating. I have spent years
of my life loving someone who led me on, loving someone who never
knew I existed, loving someone who broke my heart. I've been
let down by love so many times and yet I can't stop giving in
to it and I will never understand why something I thought would
give me life has given me nothing but scars. And here I am, caught
between loving someone and hating myself for it. Again. And for
what? I'm stuck in a place where I'm unhappy without
him but I will never do anything about it because my fear
of rejection just might kill me. I know everyone says never give up
on love, there's someone out there for everyone. I'll never
to able to stop falling in love. I fall too hard, too easily, and
too fully. But I have no faith, no hope, and no more energy to
putinto something that has never given me anything back but
happiness that never lasts.
(yep I came back here to write
something!)
torn between two, who do you choose...
the one you described to a close friend over the phone
as "he's just alright"
or the one where there seems to be a little more
I don't know how to explain
or what this even is, really
but I think it's a little better than "just alright"
because I've seen enough of "just alright"
and I've also seen better
and I don't know exactly where you fall
or who you even are, really
but I think I can give this a shot
can I hold my breath for thirty-six hours?
you spoke of home as if
it was poison on your tongue
that murdered every last dream
you ever had
you spoke as if this was some sort
of death sentence
as if the mere thought could kill
as if this was death
but if this is death, perhaps it's heaven
so I held out my hand and said
"welcome to the afterlife"
I'm sitting in the dark of my room alone
I feel like there's a ghost
but my mind is playing tricks
not necessarily because I don't believe in ghosts
but because I know this one
(if real)
would never nod his head to this
my mind is playing tricks
and there's something telling me
that I don't know everything I think I know
something tells me
to go on
I recalled the day for you
where a familiar new friend held out his hand
he said,
"welcome home"
I'm sitting in the dark of my room
with an old friend
or perhaps with two
something tells me someone's watching
and as I write this I remember hearing that song on the radio
are you
proud of me?
are you happy for me?
I don't know what you think...
I feel like you're happy
wait
no
I don't know
I can't say that
but I do feel like I give you hope
do I give you hope?
does this give you hope?
will you watch me go home?
today was the day
the pessimist met the optimist
and a girl spoke with two
but for some hard-to-explain reason
feels more drawn to one
I don't know what anything is
today was the day
we looked at the glass
and some part of me wondered,
"will it ever break?"
I don't want this too badly
for fear of losing
you don't want this too badly
for fear you've already lost
but I am a familiar new friend
(five times over)
and we are on our way home
and if this is darkness,
let our souls shine
let them guide our way
(this feels incomplete, sorry)
torn between two, who do you choose...
the one you described to a close friend over the phone
as "he's just alright"
or the one where there seems to be a little more
I don't know how to explain
or what this even is, really
but I think it's a little better than "just alright"
because I've seen enough of "just alright"
and I've also seen better
and I don't know exactly where you fall
or who you even are, really
but I think I can give this a shot
can I hold my breath for thirty-six hours?
you spoke of home as if
it was poison on your tongue
that murdered every last dream
you ever had
you spoke as if this was some sort
of death sentence
as if the mere thought could kill
as if this was death
but if this is death, perhaps it's heaven
so I held out my hand and said
"welcome to the afterlife"
I'm sitting in the dark of my room alone
I feel like there's a ghost
but my mind is playing tricks
not necessarily because I don't believe in ghosts
but because I know this one
(if real)
would never nod his head to this
my mind is playing tricks
and there's something telling me
that I don't know everything I think I know
something tells me
to go on
I recalled the day for you
where a familiar new friend held out his hand
he said,
"welcome home"
I'm sitting in the dark of my room
with an old friend
or perhaps with two
something tells me someone's watching
and as I write this I remember hearing that song on the radio
are you
proud of me?
are you happy for me?
I don't know what you think...
I feel like you're happy
wait
no
I don't know
I can't say that
but I do feel like I give you hope
do I give you hope?
does this give you hope?
will you watch me go home?
today was the day
the pessimist met the optimist
and a girl spoke with two
but for some hard-to-explain reason
feels more drawn to one
I don't know what anything is
today was the day
we looked at the glass
and some part of me wondered,
"will it ever break?"
I don't want this too badly
for fear of losing
you don't want this too badly
for fear you've already lost
but I am a familiar new friend
(five times over)
and we are on our way home
and if this is darkness,
let our souls shine
let them guide our way
(this feels incomplete, sorry)
