i
don't
know
if
people
realize that their loss can't destroy
me. I've been tossed away like garbage by the person I once
imagined spending the rest of my life with, when I had stars in
my eyes and the hopeful warmth of the sun in my heart. I
recovered from agonizing grief that ruled my life for nearly a
year after his departure from it. I realized our relationship
was very problematic and always meant to be temporary. A toxin
runs its destructive course through the system before being
flushed out by clarity of thought that cleanses and unclouds
the soul from the disorienting murk. I won't allow my
newfound purity to be tainted by more unsavory relationships.
My body is 65% water and make no mistake, I am not a serene
lake with flowery welcoming shores softly beckoning to Sunday
strollers and picnickers; I am a crashing, roaring sea in the
midst of an unruly tempest, and I will swallow you whole, I
will wash down the bitter aftertaste you leave until nothing
remains but the briny tang of sea salt and the faint mist of
memory.
YOUR PURPOSE
IS HIDDEN WITHIN
YOUR WOUNDS.
How to Find Yourself After
Losing Someone Else
Losing Someone Else
When I lost you, I remember feeling my throat
turn to sandpaper. The red veins that ran vibrant through my body
suddenly turned cold. I lay still in my dorm room bed, hearing my
heartbeat speed up as if I had just ran a marathon. It felt like
the cells in my body suddenly froze, and my brain couldn’t
catch up to my heart. When I lost you, I couldn’t even
process it because you were all I knew. And my body didn’t
know how to live in a place that wasn’t connected to
you.
It felt like a dream of someone else I knew. Except I couldn’t press pause and I couldn’t wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over; like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died. And I felt everything. It didn’t just come in waves, it came in one single tidal wave. And I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I didn’t even want to come up for air. I just wanted to sink deeper and deeper.
Time has always been thought of as the enemy, as something to try to push back. But I have found that time was my only friend during the loss of you. After a while, it made me want to swim instead of sink. It made me want to actually live my life again, instead of being a person walking around with ghosts in her head. People say that time heals all wounds, but I disagree. Time won’t ever heal a wound to make you forget that it’s there or to forget that it happened. Time leaves the scar to remind you of what you faced and how you fought through it. It will remind you of the excruciating pain, but also how you grimaced through it and then felt relief when the cast came off.
I am not a clean slate anymore. I am not a person without scars or bruises. But I am a person who has overcome loss and has dealt with pain without numbing cream and without a vice. I found myself after losing someone else because I survived that pain and I am still surviving it to this day. Living with scars on your body and your soul is not something to ever be ashamed of, or to be afraid of. It is a sign of your strength and your ability to grow and adapt to curveballs that life throws at you. If you are nursing a fresh wound right now, I hope you know that it’s going to get better with time. I hope you know you aren’t alone. And that scar you will receive from it will be a beautiful reminder of how resilient and strong you truly are.
It felt like a dream of someone else I knew. Except I couldn’t press pause and I couldn’t wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over; like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died. And I felt everything. It didn’t just come in waves, it came in one single tidal wave. And I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I didn’t even want to come up for air. I just wanted to sink deeper and deeper.
Time has always been thought of as the enemy, as something to try to push back. But I have found that time was my only friend during the loss of you. After a while, it made me want to swim instead of sink. It made me want to actually live my life again, instead of being a person walking around with ghosts in her head. People say that time heals all wounds, but I disagree. Time won’t ever heal a wound to make you forget that it’s there or to forget that it happened. Time leaves the scar to remind you of what you faced and how you fought through it. It will remind you of the excruciating pain, but also how you grimaced through it and then felt relief when the cast came off.
I am not a clean slate anymore. I am not a person without scars or bruises. But I am a person who has overcome loss and has dealt with pain without numbing cream and without a vice. I found myself after losing someone else because I survived that pain and I am still surviving it to this day. Living with scars on your body and your soul is not something to ever be ashamed of, or to be afraid of. It is a sign of your strength and your ability to grow and adapt to curveballs that life throws at you. If you are nursing a fresh wound right now, I hope you know that it’s going to get better with time. I hope you know you aren’t alone. And that scar you will receive from it will be a beautiful reminder of how resilient and strong you truly are.
"Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful"
Look at you. You're young. And you're scared. Why are you scared?
Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring
what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want.
Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud and dance
to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget you have school
the next day. Stop waiting for friday. Live now. Do it now. Take
risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to
realize you can do whatever you want?
Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't
be the best day of your life...You just have to get there.
