Personal Quotes







<< fifty words for murder >>
(  a n d  i ' m  e v e r y  o n e  o f  t h e m  )
august favorites
ice cream cake. kt. skinny jeans. weddings. iced tea. woe is me. sleepovers.
vaping. anticipation. driving at night. striped socks. super smash bros. kudos.
turning coworkers into friends. bufferingbook.com. biking. black nail polish.
getting lost. asking the waiter for more free bread. expo markers and a white
board. audrey. sugar skulls. storage trunks. halloween. pancakes. classical
guitar. emperor's new groove. two-part inventions. morning air. laced fingers.
waffle cones. brandon flowers. piggy-back rides. glitter. don't stop believing.



 

1:03am
every facet of my head hurts--my mind, my jaw, my ears, my eyes are on fire. my stomach is churning. i'm hunched over, sitting on a chair in my kitchen, staring at the medicine cabinet. i just want it to stop.
1:47am
i am holding a bottle of pills. my hand is shaking, causing the capsules to rattle. my face is contorted, my eyebrows are permanently furrowed. the fan above me creates a buzzing noise that blocks out any voice of reason i could be hearing.
2:28am
the bottle is on the floor, the cap is broken off. all the pills are gone. my shaking has gotten worse. i've started sweating, and drops of it sting my eyes. they blur my vision. i don't care. i feel like i'm going to lose everything i've eaten today. i pound my fist on my thigh, and the bruises that are already there scream. i grit my teeth.
3:52am
my jaw aches worse than ever. my abdomen is sore. i'm gasping curses on myself. i've thrown up four times. i might pass out if i do it again. there was a time i would've died rather than vomit. i wish i was dead. wasn't that the whole point?
5:00am
i am asleep on the bathroom floor. my toothbrush is laying on the side of the sink, next to an open tube of toothpaste. my dreams are black.
5:57am
i cough myself awake. my skin looks dead. my toes are numb. my throat is raw. i take a shallow breath and stand up. my legs are wobbly. my body aches from sleeping on the hard tile. i force myself to take a shower. i try not to look at myself in the mirror.
6:30am
my back is against my matress. judy garland is playing from my ipod. her voice soothes me. i unclench my fists. i will be okay. i will be okay. i will be okay. 


 

i missed you as soon as i let you go.
i tried to tell you i love you, but i am not very brave.
no, n o t   a t   a l l.

-T.s., traveling breaks my heart

july favorites
travel. twilight princess. old friends. woodchips. baby grands. backpacks.
first hugs. long-awaited meetings. lemonade. my little pony. candle light.
jean jackets. popcorn. lilo and stitch. smash mouth. brutal honesty.
sleeping in. cotton candy sunsets. flowers. alex vause. insomnia-induced
confessions. converse. calling kaete. hanging upsidedown off my bed.
planning skype dates. klondike bars. dollar tree. grandparents. over-sized
t-shirts. jordan almonds. btvs. headphones. the pink elephant. forest roads.
city bridges. skipping stones. front pikes. baseball. patience. apologies.



 

"I never had that many friends growing up so I learned to be okay with just me." - Priscilla Ahn

 i miss my confidence as a little girl. 

i miss being able to be myself around the boys i had crushes on without fear. i miss being able to openly admit that i liked them. then along came the anxiety and the rude, gross boys who weren't worth it. those two problems mixed together were the perfect concoction of triggers that ruined my self esteem.

i hate hearing my heart beat through my chest when i'm around that special boy because i pray so badly not to fnck up, i hate not being my friendly self and acting aggressive and standoffish so they don't get the idea that i like them. i hate not being able to make eye contact, to ask them simple questions, to feel my stomach churn like crazy when i merely hear them mention another girl's name, i hate when my friends try to help me out by asking him how he feels about me and literally feeling like vomiting because i was deceived into thinking the answer was always going to be bad, all because my anxiety overpowered me and tried to let my past become my future.

i hate crying pools of tears when i find out they don't feel the same and producing pools of sweat the next day when i have to see them and avoid eye contact with them and pretend my whole body isn't weak and shaky and my soul hasn't rotted and he's looking at me differently because he knows about my feelings and i'm left embarrassed, degraded, vulnerable and belittled, all because i admired someone, all because he had pretty eyes or because he was funny or because he was really good at baseball and i didn't measure up to his standards and due to the voices at school i thought i was the ugliest thing in the world and i'd never have a boy want me.

i hate continuing to feel so insecure when i find out a boy does like me and feeling like it's all a sick joke and once he sees the real side of me he'll leave due to several past experiences that left me aching for months, even years. i hate having that feeling in my stomach when they text back too late or give one word responses or i see him with another girl, feeling like i have no control, there's never a good side because i'm either overthinking and making them feel bad for me or they're making me feel bad and i'm being overdramatic, all because i was told so many times that i was ugly, that i wasn't worth it, that i'd never find a boy who i liked and liked me too. 

but i have to overcome, because my faith is my fortune. if i keep focusing on my past i'll get more of it. i have to put myself out there and not be afraid, and remind myself that if things don't work out it isn't my fault. i am still strong, smart and beautiful no matter what that boy thinks, and as a bonus, i am brave for going against traditional gender roles and going after what i want instead of just waiting around for it. it won't be easy and some of these scars will never fade, but i'll always be growing.




i promise to be good to you. i could never hate you. you are not toxic. please listen to me. you are the sun. you are the moon. you are the stars, wrapped into human form. and i am not much. but i prommise to be good to you. i could never hate you. you are not toxic. please listen to me.




 
you deserved the universe. you deserved it all.
your name was always caught in my throat. now it is flowing freely off my tongue, and i wish you could hear just how often. but that would change everything.
i always wanted to know you. dare i say i do?
my ears itch for your voice to say i can come in. i don't want to intrude. i don't want to intrude. i don't want to intrude. but i want to u n d e r s t a n d.
stranger is such a harsh word.
i think i'm in love. ((everyone here leaves so quickly, i hope you linger.))
i should have told you back then.

but you deserve the universe. you deserve it all.

-T.s., friends come and go

june favorites
comic strips. motorcycles. haikyuu!!. willow. camper mail. twitter talks with amenah.
amenah. amenah. trash punk. scene kids. spine kisses. scary movies. oh wonder. audio
books. short hair. late night showers. three am. sunglasses. wizard of oz. slushies.
orange juice. running away from eliza in target. holding hands. my sisters. star wars.
geometric tattoos. trucks. blaring music out open windows. bonfires. vocal layering.
bedtime stories. christina grimmie. power thighs. taking my friends on dates. care
packages. galaxy purple. the neighbor's cat. waffle cones. old sneakers. pride.



 

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