You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release
addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that
aren’t deep, And will heal easily … They will get deeper. They
will scar. They will sometimes take months to heal. And years for
the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one
area of your body, Think again… It will spread when you run out
of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant
state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live
…. You will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will
jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands
were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel
something under the cloth of your shirt, or because it just plain
hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control
you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100….Be prepared for your
entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and
covering up cutting. And just wait till that first time you cut
“too deep.” And you freak out because the blood won’t stop…
And you are gasping…. And you feel yourself shaking all over. You
are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can’t
tell anyone. So you sit there alone… Praying it will be ok
swearing you’ll never let it go this far again… But you will,
and further. Don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your
cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the
better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get. You will
lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20,
30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the
flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring
up your order. Butterfly strips… 3 or four different kinds of
dressings… Betadine…. Antibiotic cream.. Medical tape.. Scar
reducers….. You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line
will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need
all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will
notice… Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the
same supplies… Someone who understands but of course that never
happens. Medical supplies won’t be the only thing you spend all
your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe… Longsleeve
shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots… gloves..
the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a
different way… Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI… Just
hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so
terribly alone. You wont even think about it .. As your eyes scan
their wrists + arms… Hoping just hoping they will be like you….
But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly
ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You
will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees
the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be
cleaning up the blood.. Scrubbing your bathroom floor… Wiping the
blood of your keyboard… You won’t be able to make it through a
day without cutting…. Next thing you know you are in a public
bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that
you keep in your wallet for emergencies. When you get really
desperate anything will be a cutting tool …scissors…a car
key…a needle … a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn’t matter what
it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something. Say
goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or
sandals…pedicures…sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the
beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch. Because you will itch and itch …”so much you
will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.” You will become
an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream
about cutting… you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt
you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never
made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting… At
the same time, you love it and can’t live with out it… It’s
too late for me