Tears burnt my
cheeks as they rolled down, ever so casually and for a moment, just
a moment, I didn’t have to pretend I was okay or that
everything would be okay. I didn’t need to be optimistic, I
didn’t need to be happy and I didn’t need to feel the
way everyone else was feeling. I could be myself.
The truth had burnt a hole in my heart. You don’t want me
– you don’t love me. Sounds pathetic, right? And in a
way, yes, it is pathetic. It’s pathetic that I’ve let
one boy make me feel so worthless, so good for nothing.
You had always been a nice guy. You have one hell of a sense of
humour and even if you weren’t the cutest fish in the sea, in
my eyes you were flawless. I couldn’t describe the way I felt
for you. Not then, not now – all I can say is that I felt
unstoppable when I was with you. You made me feel pretty; you made
me feel like I was worth it.
You had always been my first thought when I woke up and my last
thought when I fell asleep. Funny how you still are but when I
think of him I don’t become happy anymore and I don’t
smile. I frown and sometimes, I cry because I miss what we had and
I just didn’t want you to be in love with someone else. Who
was I kidding, though?
“It’s going to be okay! It’s not the end of
the world.” I didn’t understand how so many people
could say that when you were my world. You were my everything and
it was hard to go on pretending I didn’t know you and
pretending you had never been sprawled across my bed, laughing at
me with that contagious laugh while I danced around in my pajamas.
It was hard to forget about that one time when I had run to you,
crying because of something that seems so stupid now and you had
held me until I calmed down and whispered sweet nothings into my
ear. It was hard not to remember our first time, the way you had
been so gently and caring with me. It was hard not to remember the
first time you told me “I love you.” The way
you had held my face. It was hard to forget your laugh. It was hard
to forget your eyes – the chocolate brown that I could stare
into for forever. It was hard to forget your smile but most of all;
it was hard to forget the way I felt when I was around you. I was
scared I’d never feel that way with anyone, ever again.
I had waited days and days for you to break up with me. I knew it
was coming. You started to distant yourself from me and we started
spending less and less time together and sometimes, you pretended
you didn’t get my texts when I knew you had. I tried not to
be clingy, I gave you some space, I stopped texting you so much,
stopped bugging you but you had already made up your mind.
“I’m sorry, Elise. It’s not you it’s
me. I just don’t think I’m in a position in my
life where I should be dating.” Why were you running
around, laughing with her a couple of days later? Why had
you left me abandoned with no one to turn to?
Nobody understood. Everybody thought you were just another boy with
a cute smile. Everybody told me that in a year, I probably
wouldn’t even remember what we had shared but I know
they’re wrong. Nobody could ever make me forget the way you
had made me feel, even if I wanted so badly to forget. I tried
everything to forget.
I went out, I got drunk, I went home with a stranger but in the
end, I just couldn’t do it. All I could think about was you,
the way you had touched me. I couldn’t stop
comparing the man with you and he was nothing compared to you. I
ended up leaving before anything happened because I couldn’t
go through with it. You were in my veins. You are in my
veins. I love you and I beg you, please don’t be in love
with someone else.