Status Quotes

I thought we were perfect once. That we could balance each other out, that I would give you the inspiration you crave and you would give me the peace I am so desperate for. But maybe we’re not meant for each other. You’re not my type and I’m not your type and so why are we back here again?We took a break for a year. We avoided each other, barely spoke. I avoided your places, your haunts, even your friends. I took a backstep in my own life, returned to old habits and lost my desire for others because some nights, all I could think about was you. I wanted you, even when you desperately wanted someone else. And it wasn’t just that kind of romantic love - it was the kind of love where we could talk to each other about anything, be happy in silence, be happy with nothing.And I loved you, even though each time you answered my questions I felt like my heart was breaking. I couldn’t keep the scraps of me together and instead I let them aside, and parts of me were lost too. Why do I let you have so much of me? I give you so much leeway, we both knew it. So why do you keep sabotaging this, even just the threads of our friendship?Why do you want to irrevocably destroy who I am, destroy the parts of me that make me who I am, make me feel like I am not worthy of anything? Somedays I blame you and somedays I can’t because I can’t help but feel you’re right. That I don’t deserve anything more than to be destroyed. I keep thinking and thinking. I don’t know what lies next. I want you and I don’t. I want us to be friends, to lean on each other. But sometimes I think I want more. To try this idea of dating, this question that hovers between us, that prevents us from being just friends. What is this whisper that our bodies seem to give around each other? There’s a question that lies in the air between us, a thought that we can never really put away. You have anxiety around me. I have anxiety around you.But sometimes I wonder if anxiety and desire are one and the same.That we could be it for each other. I wonder if we could last if we got through this. Or if we would just end in heartbreak, both in pieces that we can’t re-build. Why can’t we be friends with exes? Why can we not say that the part of our lives where we in love with each other is over, and that now we are just happy to be friends?This is a slow love story. And the ending is still in question. Maybe it has a happy ending. Maybe it doesn’t. I wish I knew.
one day at a time.


my head hurts feeling like i'm sprinting in the same spot.
this headache from staying up late and for what?

tomorrow will i man up and practice what i learnt?

this insecurity, this uncertain, shakable feeling.
the annoying inflection that makes a statement
sound like a question. that awkward bead of sweat
that makes existing appear more difficult than it is.

all of it. slowly will dismantle.
bring it to a boil, melt it and
cast iron into the image of myself i longed to meet.



always so passionate when it came to her.
always so elusive when it came to responsibility.
silver hair and blazing eyes,
still you don't know the reason why.
you're a special kind of cruel.
i learnt it all from you.
i remember how i felt.
sore and out of place.
awkward and uncomfortable.
it was like a hot beam spotlight moment
yet also like i was in the background and didn't matter.

i remember how it felt.
younger me consoling myself.
telling myself it would be over soon.
promising myself i would never put myself in a similar situation ever again.

biting my lip just hurt me.
sweeping things under the rug just made me feel dirty.
keeping the peace always left me hurt.

keep your promise.
prioritise me.



 

i'm not sure what i'll do
i might regret it
but i'm growing old.
i can't dread the days i'm supposed to enjoy.
time with family is supposed to be
something i look forward to

i can't keep dreading the days
i'm supposed to enjoy.

                   




            Papa is only human.
               he has been many things.
               my umberella, my cheerleader,
               my anger, my embarassment, my regret, 
               my first best friend  and my favourite.
                  but above all else
                            he is only human.
 
my anxious black dog

i think it will always be like this.
this tight, lurking, dreary, unsettling feeling.
this all encompassing, yet discrete, gnawing feeling.
this thing that is always with me.

i think it will just always be like this.
*sigh*
"what are you working towards,
what's your end goal?
saving up for a house or car?
marriage or for your family?"

it caught me off guard.

you asked questions i didn't have the answers to yet.
you asked questions that left me feeling stunned and teary eyed when you left.
what am i doing this all for.
why exactly am i trying so hard.
those thoughts took turns taking laps in my head ever since you asked.
Some days I can’t stomach the thought of living without you. It makes me so sick. I’m having one of those days. I keep looking at my phone hoping you’ll call me to ask me how my days going. I keep checking FB to see if maybe I’ll see something you posted. Keep going through your photos, reminiscing because sometimes it’s the closest thing to keeping you here with me. Go through memories like it was yesterday. It’s not the real thing. It don’t even come close. I wish you were here. I miss you so much. I wish I could just talk to you. Maybe you could make sense of what’s going on around me. I’m hoping you’ll greet me in the next life. I just want to see you smile again. Life ain’t ever been the same since you walked through that door. I just wish I got to say goodbye.
Some days I can’t stomach the thought of living without you. It makes me so sick. I’m having one of those days. I keep looking at my phone hoping you’ll call me to ask me how my days going. I keep checking FB to see if maybe I’ll see something you posted. Keep going through your photos, reminiscing because sometimes it’s the closest thing to keeping you here with me. Go through memories like it was yesterday. It’s not the real thing. It don’t even come close. I wish you were here. I miss you so much. I wish I could just talk to you. Maybe you could make sense of what’s going on around me. I’m hoping you’ll greet me in the next life. I just want to see you smile again. Life ain’t ever been the same since you walked through that door. I just wish I got to say goodbye.
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