Status Quotes

i never want to lose you,
i never want to lose touch.
i never want to ignore you or awkwardly walk past.
i think that would break me,
so i don't like to think about it too much.

i think i understand you better than myself.
i think i love you more than anything else.

it's never been this bad. 
i'm really attached this time.
when anyone asks if were together i just brush it off, but it's really bad.

when i slip into a daydream, it's always involving you.
when i see something sweet, i always share it with you.
when i'm having trouble sleeping, i always text you.
when i'm stressed out, i've found myself leaning on you.
it's really never been this bad.

to be honest, it's really never been this good. 
i'm just anxiously anticipating the part where it goes sour,
so i keep telling myself 'this is so bad'.
because it's dangerous. if this ends, i don't know how i'll make it without you.
i almost don't want to write this but i remind myself this isn't for you. this is for my own release.
time and time again i gave second chances. a part of me has completely turned away from you now.
you won't get anything more than surface level from me anymore.
i hadn't seen this side of you for a while so i forgot how awful you could be.
no compassion or empathy. just relentless nagging and no care to my feelings at all.
you didn't care to think that i had been overworked.
you didn't care to think that i was holding back so i didn't burst into tears there and then.
you never say sorry cause you never think you're wrong.
but you were wrong. the way you acted wasn't okay.
everyone else felt the tense air and told me it wasn't right.
i hate when you act like that and expect me to treat you like normal after. that's not fair.
it's not fair for you to have unrealistic expectations and drain me, scold me, bother me for not reaching them.
i'm so over that attitude that you show when you feel like enough hasn't been done.
i'm mostly hurt that i was working so many days, and each day still worked overtime to get things done.
meanwhile you were off and didn't think at all about the hell i'd gone through when i was alone.
you didn't think of the fact that i was physically and mentally drained. 
you were just focussing on what else needed to be done.
just nitpicking and repeating the same points over and over. no response i gave satisfied you.
i knew you just wanted me to agree, that i was in the wrong, that you weren't asking for much.
no. you were expecting to come back to everything being perfect. 
you were expecting a 4 man job out of 3 people.
you knew the only way that would happen was if i were to bend myself backwards even more, stay back at work even more and bleed myself dry even more.
i deserve an apology. not that look on your face.
i've been in survival mode these past few weeks.
i need to start living again.
i need to eat healthily.
i need to get enough sleep.
shouldn't be feeling so exhausted all the time.
i'm still young.
i want someone who i'm sure of.
i want him to be certain too.
i believe true love should be effortless.
late night thoughts.
i don't think i've ever truly loved him
can't shake this thought that he is just using me
when he doesn't text me i get anxious and i hate that
a day never goes by without him reaching out to me.
think i have attachment issues for real
i test him in a way by keeping score
he's always the first to reach out, that makes the anxiety disappear
in person he's always kind and sweet
miss him when we're apart and i feel him get jealous when i'm paying other guys attention
omething is going on but i keep pretending it's not
i keep telling myself i can't love someone if i can't accept all of them

 i'm just so conflicted. cause i know life is good. but this depression. this sad sulky feeling always comes back to me. i tell myself it's like happiness. happiness will always come back. in the same way, this sad unsettling feeling will also come back. but it is never forever. 

it still feels awful. i feel like i have to always distract myself so i don't feel it. it's this feeling of dread. i thought i would be happier by now and i am but here i am still. 

It's gonna go one of two ways.
I'll be the one or the one that got away.

you didn't even really do anything bad.
it's mainly the stuff you didn't do.
i was measuring you against a version of youself i had heard you describe to me.
you can give your all to others, so i wanted a slice of that too.
i went above and beyond, but i feel like i'm just enabling you at this point.
it wasn't reciprocated to the extent that i would have liked.
i have needs and i can't be your biggest cheerleader if you aren't mine.
there were times when you didn't listen to me when i raised a boundary.
i really didn't like that.
so i'm going to sort these feelings out.

 i used to be the friend that takes  on average 72 hours to respond to a text. but now you've turned me into a different type of beast. i'm anxiously attached to my phone until the release hits and i get a text from you. the anxiety seeps out and transforms into a bubbly light feeling in my head.  i don't like that my mood still dips down with the affect or inflection of others. i'm not happy that i will have to feel this little discomfort till the day i die. i'm not happy that he's so different from what i know is good for me. i hate that most days i get through by a combination of visual, auditory and  physical distractions. i hate how numbed out and callous i can be when i'm hurt. i hate that sometimes writing things down is the only way i can recognise how i am doing. this whole time i was trying to keep him afloat but it killed a piece of me. my toxic positivity leaves me starved of attention and so infuriatingly meek. i've fallen for a friend that i see no future with. till this day seeing my mother laugh with my sister makes me happy and stings me just as bad. when i can't get a word in it brings me back to the worst feeling of all. so many disconnected feelings exist within me and i wish i could have it all sorted out once and for all.

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