Remember when you were holding a ruler and asked me for a ruler? I
think that's when I knew. Not that you liked me, because
that's just wishful and obnoxious thinking. I just had a moment
where I was like "hey, he just wants a reason to talk to
me." I smiled at you widely and gave you mine. I asked what
was wrong with yours and you laughed. Your laugh was what won me
over. (or was it the fact I like dummies so much, hmm)
I told you I thought you liked me too much. That if we got
together it'd be hard on you. You said you could handle it. I
care about you a lot, but I still feel the same way. You have
blinders on when it comes to me. My friends and family think
it's sweet...but I feel bad. We'd never work out if we got
together now. I'd push you around too much. I would try my best
not to, but that's just how I am with you. I'm sorry. I
always apologise and make the slowest progress. But I'm trying.
I think it counts for something. You always say you can handle it.
I always get upset with you. What is it exactly that you can
handle? Me? I can't handle myself most of the time. You need to
take care of yourself too. You always say you'll take care of
me. It irks me. It's like something out of a drama. So what if
you've got the finances? I always tell you I have no interest
in spending your money. You used to get mad at that, you dummy.
What would you have done if I was the opposite? I'm sure you
wouldn't have liked me very much. Anyhow, back to that I'll
handle it line you love so much. You never want me to deal with my
own problems. I always joke if you want to be my boyfriend or my
"lil bitćh" lol. You're not fond of that name, but
it'll be all yours if you don't start being a little
selfish sometimes. Don't think about me too much. I'm not
as fragile as you think my dumdum. At the end of the day, I do love
you and I'm not going anywhere, so chill~
You follow me around like a little lost puppy. I'm
wording this wrong. It makes you sound so clingy...but in all
honesty you are. You hang on every word I say. I didn't take
advantage of it at first, and you got mad for it. I didn't get
it at first. I've never liked calling the shots, but it's a
strange kind of fun. You take the lead in some aspects of course,
one person can't have all the control in a team. But still. You
follow my every step. When I text you to meet up somewhere private,
you're always there in three. When I want you, you're at my
feet. It's nice. It's reassuring. I'm always there for
you too. But other times, I wonder, how far would you go for me.
It's strange.
Remember when you told me I was "so cold". I
laughed in your face, and you got fired up. I didn't realise it
at first, but you'd kept it in for a while. It all came out
that day. You said I treated you differently from other guys.
I'm "nice and sweet" to others, but when it's
you, I treat you badly. I said I was sorry...after putting the
blame on you "You should be happy. It means we're
close!" It was a lame excuse and you saw right through me.
"Then what do I have to do for you to stop being like this
with me?" I laughed again at that. I always laugh when I have
nothing to say. It's childish. "I'm sorry, I'll be
good to you. I like being close with you." "You always
take so long to reply to my texts. You always choose your girl
friends over me. You don't take me seriously at all."
"I'm like that with everyone, I never reply to
texts-" "Do you even like me?" Of course I do. You
were trying to make me slip up. We were both getting heated up. I
wished you would have ended it at that. We could have made up after
that. But you went on. "I love you." I wish you
hadn't said that, at least not yet.
When I was younger I hated hugs. I didn't even hug my parents. I can't remember the last time I hugged my dad. It was just something I never did. Recently, however, I like hugs. Well I don't know if they count as hugs, I just like resting my head on people's shoulders. My mum doesn't mind it, my dad calls me childish but reciprocates it too. I love them. I never used to hug my friends. Now I hug them whenever I see them. There's many things I never used to do, that I do so often now. It's strange. We're always changing. Even in small ways, nothing is permanent.
I show my compassion in different ways. I nag. You had an assignment due but you kept procrastinating. I nagged at you to get it done. Instead you went out and bought a rug. What are you doing? You always say I don't care enough for people. I'm not trying to prove myself to you. Well maybe I am. But haven't you known me long enough to see how I care? I can't show it outright. It makes me feel uncomfortable...way too vulnerable. So I'll nag. I'll nag and nag until you've finished what you need to do so I can stop worrying about you. I guess that's what caring about someone is to me. Making sure they're on track so I don't have to worry anymore. I am a good person. These days I find myself trying to convince myself of this. But good is such a vague word.
I love
the rain.
I love
how
it softens
the outlines
of things.
The world
becomes
softly
blurred,
and I
feel
like
I melt
right
into
it.
Tears were real.
But Onions were blamed.
But Onions were blamed.
