HAPPY FIVE YEAR WITTY ANNIVERSARY TO MEEEE :-)
LOL NOT MANY PEOPLE ARE AROUND TO READ THIS BUT SPECIAL THANKS TO @SKIMRANDE, @GABIKK, @BAUBLEFAERY, @IRRESTIBLE, @AGAINSTNOONE, @GIROUXTIFUL, @FIXMEEV3RAFTERMASTER604, @AMENAH AND ALL THE LEGENDS I INTERACTED WITH, ALL MY OLD FRIENDS (UNMENTIONED BUT UNFORGOTTEN), ANYONE WHO REGULARLY LIKED OR LIKES MY QUOTES (@Y0UNGL0V3MURD3R), AND ALWAYS AND FOREVER STEVE ♥
I'M SHOOTING FOR A SIXTH YEAR HERE BC I'M TOO LAZY TO WRITE DOWN MY FEELINGS IN A JOURNAL AND I LIKE SHOWING PPL UP WITH NICE FORMATS
LOL NOT MANY PEOPLE ARE AROUND TO READ THIS BUT SPECIAL THANKS TO @SKIMRANDE, @GABIKK, @BAUBLEFAERY, @IRRESTIBLE, @AGAINSTNOONE, @GIROUXTIFUL, @FIXMEEV3RAFTERMASTER604, @AMENAH AND ALL THE LEGENDS I INTERACTED WITH, ALL MY OLD FRIENDS (UNMENTIONED BUT UNFORGOTTEN), ANYONE WHO REGULARLY LIKED OR LIKES MY QUOTES (@Y0UNGL0V3MURD3R), AND ALWAYS AND FOREVER STEVE ♥
I'M SHOOTING FOR A SIXTH YEAR HERE BC I'M TOO LAZY TO WRITE DOWN MY FEELINGS IN A JOURNAL AND I LIKE SHOWING PPL UP WITH NICE FORMATS
I show my compassion in different ways. I nag. You had an assignment due but you kept procrastinating. I nagged at you to get it done. Instead you went out and bought a rug. What are you doing? You always say I don't care enough for people. I'm not trying to prove myself to you. Well maybe I am. But haven't you known me long enough to see how I care? I can't show it outright. It makes me feel uncomfortable...way too vulnerable. So I'll nag. I'll nag and nag until you've finished what you need to do so I can stop worrying about you. I guess that's what caring about someone is to me. Making sure they're on track so I don't have to worry anymore. I am a good person. These days I find myself trying to convince myself of this. But good is such a vague word.
When I was younger I hated hugs. I didn't even hug my parents. I can't remember the last time I hugged my dad. It was just something I never did. Recently, however, I like hugs. Well I don't know if they count as hugs, I just like resting my head on people's shoulders. My mum doesn't mind it, my dad calls me childish but reciprocates it too. I love them. I never used to hug my friends. Now I hug them whenever I see them. There's many things I never used to do, that I do so often now. It's strange. We're always changing. Even in small ways, nothing is permanent.
You follow me around like a little lost puppy. I'm
wording this wrong. It makes you sound so clingy...but in all
honesty you are. You hang on every word I say. I didn't take
advantage of it at first, and you got mad for it. I didn't get
it at first. I've never liked calling the shots, but it's a
strange kind of fun. You take the lead in some aspects of course,
one person can't have all the control in a team. But still. You
follow my every step. When I text you to meet up somewhere private,
you're always there in three. When I want you, you're at my
feet. It's nice. It's reassuring. I'm always there for
you too. But other times, I wonder, how far would you go for me.
It's strange.
Remember when you were holding a ruler and asked me for a ruler? I
think that's when I knew. Not that you liked me, because
that's just wishful and obnoxious thinking. I just had a moment
where I was like "hey, he just wants a reason to talk to
me." I smiled at you widely and gave you mine. I asked what
was wrong with yours and you laughed. Your laugh was what won me
over. (or was it the fact I like dummies so much, hmm)
Everyone thinks I'm smart. I just work hard sometimes. When
I do well it's brushed over, because it's expected, because
I'm "naturally smart." Do naturally smart people even
exist? For a whole semester I just barely passed everything. I
worked my butt off and only just scraped through. I was so nervous
when my report card came. But my parents didn't even look at
it. I should have been relieved, but I was just hurt. I always get
sensitive over the most trivial things, but years after I still.
Idk. I still think about it sometimes. How they didn't check
because they assumed it was all A's. That's kinda when I
realised I had to start working hard for myself. My parents are
already happy, assuming I'm acing everything. I needed to work
hard for just myself, because to some extent they didn't
care.
To
be good, you
just need
to choose
to do the
right thing.
But
"right" is
just too
vague of a
word, and sometimes you
feel like
choosing
the option
that will
make you
happier.
In that
case, if
you made
yourself happy then
it was
the right decision.
But it hurt
other people,
so how good
of a decision
was it really? When
you keep
choosing
yourself
over other
people,
how can you
know when
you've crossed
the fine line
between
being assertive
or being
selfish?
I'll be
able to tell
the difference
one day.
I feel
guilty when I'm
assertive
so maybe
I know deep
down I'm being
selfish. Or
maybe
I've been a
push over so
long I don't know
what it feels
like to
stand up
for myself and
have no regrets. It's probably
not the latter.
The last thought
is usually
the least sincere.
