maybe you're my first true love or first ever heart
break.
i don't know how you'd feel about any of that
i never know who you're texting back.
i just know you can always come back to me.
tonight i don't know if you're out drinking with friends.
you said it'd be the last time, but i'm not sure.
i just know you can always come back to me.
all i know for certain is that you can trust me.
maybe you're the biggest mistake or the greatest gift of my life.
i'm not sure how to feel about any of this.
i just like speaking to you and having you around.
i hope this feeling doesn't expire for you before reaching me.
i don't know how you'd feel about any of that
i never know who you're texting back.
i just know you can always come back to me.
tonight i don't know if you're out drinking with friends.
you said it'd be the last time, but i'm not sure.
i just know you can always come back to me.
all i know for certain is that you can trust me.
maybe you're the biggest mistake or the greatest gift of my life.
i'm not sure how to feel about any of this.
i just like speaking to you and having you around.
i hope this feeling doesn't expire for you before reaching me.
i used to be the friend that takes on average 72 hours to respond to a text. but now you've turned me into a different type of beast. i'm anxiously attached to my phone until the release hits and i get a text from you. the anxiety seeps out and transforms into a bubbly light feeling in my head. i don't like that my mood still dips down with the affect or inflection of others. i'm not happy that i will have to feel this little discomfort till the day i die. i'm not happy that he's so different from what i know is good for me. i hate that most days i get through by a combination of visual, auditory and physical distractions. i hate how numbed out and callous i can be when i'm hurt. i hate that sometimes writing things down is the only way i can recognise how i am doing. this whole time i was trying to keep him afloat but it killed a piece of me. my toxic positivity leaves me starved of attention and so infuriatingly meek. i've fallen for a friend that i see no future with. till this day seeing my mother laugh with my sister makes me happy and stings me just as bad. when i can't get a word in it brings me back to the worst feeling of all. so many disconnected feelings exist within me and i wish i could have it all sorted out once and for all.
i'm just so conflicted. cause i know life is good. but this depression. this sad sulky feeling always comes back to me. i tell myself it's like happiness. happiness will always come back. in the same way, this sad unsettling feeling will also come back. but it is never forever.
it still feels awful. i feel like i have to always distract myself so i don't feel it. it's this feeling of dread. i thought i would be happier by now and i am but here i am still.
when we don't speak as often or when you don't
respond the way i want you to,
i feel it slipping from me.
when i can't meet your needs and comfort you in the ways i know i should,
i feel you slipping away from me.
when i hear you joke around with her, i feel it then too.
do you feel that way when i joke around with him?
i know we're so similar.
but i don't know if your heart is like mine.
i feel it slipping from me.
when i can't meet your needs and comfort you in the ways i know i should,
i feel you slipping away from me.
when i hear you joke around with her, i feel it then too.
do you feel that way when i joke around with him?
i know we're so similar.
but i don't know if your heart is like mine.
At the end of the day i'm the one
you text when you're in hospital.
I'm the one you stay back hours for. I'm the one you text during the day, at night, midnight and when the sun rises. I make you laugh and match your meme energy.
I'm the first one who showed interest in your journey to GOD. THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE EMBARASSING. i'M THE ONE WHO TRIED TO SUPPORT YOU WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
AT THE END OF THE DAY IT'S BEEN ME.
SO HERE I AM.
