this is where my mind goes when the water ain't too
rough.
the reason you wanted, i'm sorry i couldn't give you that.
it's not just the difficulty of breathing in that thick air.
it's the way that i wanted the work day to end but hated being home.
how i couldn't answer phone calls incase a voice was raised.
i hate that money makes you want to speak to me more than my sombre mood ever could.
i hate that our conversations always became about another sibling.
i'm just a crumbled tissue in your back pocket.
it's always been like that.
it doesn't matter how hard i try or how much i try to bear.
the reason you wanted, i'm sorry i couldn't give you that.
it's not just the difficulty of breathing in that thick air.
it's the way that i wanted the work day to end but hated being home.
how i couldn't answer phone calls incase a voice was raised.
i hate that money makes you want to speak to me more than my sombre mood ever could.
i hate that our conversations always became about another sibling.
i'm just a crumbled tissue in your back pocket.
it's always been like that.
it doesn't matter how hard i try or how much i try to bear.
never been.
never was.
feeling empty just because,
you'll never accept all of me.
i tried to mother me for both of us.
the mum shaped hole is still here.
i can't parent myself, i'm too old for this.
my insecurities are words you have said.
my inner critic is also partly you and dad.
i'm sorry i'm moody. i thought i had forgiven you both.
especially these days it feels like a fresh wound.
forgive me, but i can't bring myself to smile.
never was.
feeling empty just because,
you'll never accept all of me.
i tried to mother me for both of us.
the mum shaped hole is still here.
i can't parent myself, i'm too old for this.
my insecurities are words you have said.
my inner critic is also partly you and dad.
i'm sorry i'm moody. i thought i had forgiven you both.
especially these days it feels like a fresh wound.
forgive me, but i can't bring myself to smile.
I am still immersed in my thoughts of what happened after
my visit to the psychiatric hospital. When we entered the acute
care unit, one of the patients -called H- said, with sadness in
his eyes mixed with willpower and hope: Why don't you enter, we
are not crazy, we will not kill you. I did not look upon him or
any of the patients with pity as my colleagues did. We talked
with all the patients , some of them admitted that they were
sick, and some of them denied. However, the young H said: I am
mentally ill, not crazy, I used to suffer from schizophrenia and
now I am bipolar, I was studying engineering, but I did not
finish my studies because of the disease. We left the section he
was in, he kept looking through the glass and his eyes tried to
resist sadness with courage, but his eyes deceived him. Yesterday
18.03.2023
why don't
you hold me
underwater, so
my lungs can burn more.
then raise me back up, so i can breathe that fragrance i yearn for.
see, everytime you try to spite me,
i can get more clingy and you'd hate that.
want me to be more cynical?
i can get real critical, yeah, you'd hate that.
i can make crass remarks sometimes too.
pick apart insecurities and make you feel misunderstood.
like was your tight embrace ever really good enough?
did you think the rose petals scattered across our front yard
we're blown away by some wind?
everytime you want to touch me,
i can make excuses and shut you down.
and everytime you get me flustered,
i can turn these tables, make you do what i want.
see, i can get just as twisted too.
fake an image, just like you.
be sickly sweet, have you on your kness,
then be cold as ice thereafter.
then raise me back up, so i can breathe that fragrance i yearn for.
see, everytime you try to spite me,
i can get more clingy and you'd hate that.
want me to be more cynical?
i can get real critical, yeah, you'd hate that.
i can make crass remarks sometimes too.
pick apart insecurities and make you feel misunderstood.
like was your tight embrace ever really good enough?
did you think the rose petals scattered across our front yard
we're blown away by some wind?
everytime you want to touch me,
i can make excuses and shut you down.
and everytime you get me flustered,
i can turn these tables, make you do what i want.
see, i can get just as twisted too.
fake an image, just like you.
be sickly sweet, have you on your kness,
then be cold as ice thereafter.
must have been the contrast between
smitten eyes and words that kept me up at night.
the contrast between things you would whisper in my ear and things you would shout for others to hear.
the stark contrast between your good and bad days.
like a proverbial rollercoaster of emotions,
you made me high at times and devastatingly low at other times.
it must have been how you made it all seem so real.
like the most delicate parts of you were true.
made me want to overlook your harsh disparities.
the angel of remorse with eyes brimming with apology,
he was just as real as the devil who seemed to beam at the idea of hurting me.
the contrast between things you would whisper in my ear and things you would shout for others to hear.
the stark contrast between your good and bad days.
like a proverbial rollercoaster of emotions,
you made me high at times and devastatingly low at other times.
it must have been how you made it all seem so real.
like the most delicate parts of you were true.
made me want to overlook your harsh disparities.
the angel of remorse with eyes brimming with apology,
he was just as real as the devil who seemed to beam at the idea of hurting me.
i remember when you wanted me to praise
you.
cup your face, tell you how much i owed you.
long adorned sentences, i polished them over and over in my mind.
those compliments i kept at the ready, rain or shine.
i'll admit, i blushed more times than necessary.
i'll admit, you had a strong hold over me.
you wanted me right where i was,
in the palm of your brass knuckled hands.
my heart must have bloomed a few thousand times.
by day two, you knew i'd be there and yours anytime.
remember when you wanted me to praise you,
pat your head, tell you how much i adored you.
honey seeped right out of my eyes.
the clouds above me, mirrored your touch that night.
you wanted me right where i was.
at your beck and call even when i'd ignited your temper.
any wrong step could become your trigger.
i'll admit, i held your hand for longer than i could muster.
how was it that your tender voice could say such words with vigour?
words that made butterflies become a knot in my stomach,
that only your soft words could untangle.
did you know? sometimes i held my breath when you got close.
you wanted me to praise you.
if i could have timed my heart rhythm with yours, i would have done that too.
cup your face, tell you how much i owed you.
long adorned sentences, i polished them over and over in my mind.
those compliments i kept at the ready, rain or shine.
i'll admit, i blushed more times than necessary.
i'll admit, you had a strong hold over me.
you wanted me right where i was,
in the palm of your brass knuckled hands.
my heart must have bloomed a few thousand times.
by day two, you knew i'd be there and yours anytime.
remember when you wanted me to praise you,
pat your head, tell you how much i adored you.
honey seeped right out of my eyes.
the clouds above me, mirrored your touch that night.
you wanted me right where i was.
at your beck and call even when i'd ignited your temper.
any wrong step could become your trigger.
i'll admit, i held your hand for longer than i could muster.
how was it that your tender voice could say such words with vigour?
words that made butterflies become a knot in my stomach,
that only your soft words could untangle.
did you know? sometimes i held my breath when you got close.
you wanted me to praise you.
if i could have timed my heart rhythm with yours, i would have done that too.
My Palestine, I am still amazed by the beauty of your
green mountains. Your air is gentle, even your angry winds are a
breeze. Your love slapped me in the heart. My green village, I
left you against my will, today I live in refugee camp, I know
that my body is far from you, but I left my heart in you, and
does a person abandon his heart?! Today I am dead, and how can a
person live without a heart?!! I can't live without you
mom!
