The demon within me urges me on
Thoughts of suicide
wanting to die
The urge to pick up the razor
To make the pain more bearable
Why is there so much pain?
Thoughts of suicide
wanting to die
The urge to pick up the razor
To make the pain more bearable
Why is there so much pain?
court
mandated
sobriety
for
a year?
ive
already
lost
3 more
pounds
and
cut
twice.
it has
been
4 days.
eff
everything.
~I've convinced myself once again...I'm not
loved, and I never truly will be...~
~..For some reason,
like with T, I'm overlooking it and i cant stop. i have tried
so hard..i really did...and i was done with his shizz, i was sick
of it...but i wanted HIM. i
didnt care if i have to hear his shizz, yeah it hurts but it..it
was an honest mistake, right? And the people that love me, i love
too...But...the pain..the inner pain i feel, it hurts more than
what R could ever do to me. I just want it to stop. please end
it...i always feel that, for it to end, i have to end
me. *i'm* the problem. no
one else. *i* am. and it'll forever
be the way..I can't win
anymore..~
~~~~_^_^ACTUAL TEXT SENT^_^_~~~~
---------------------------
~~~~vvv Did not send vvv~~~~
I'm sorry i'm such a fvck up.
~~~~_^_^ACTUAL TEXT SENT^_^_~~~~
---------------------------
~~~~vvv Did not send vvv~~~~
I'm sorry i'm such a fvck up.
~~~~~~~~~ACTUAL TEXTS~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday 4:45 PM
Alright Boyyo, long story short you're an awesome friend that says he doesnt give a shizz unless it involves ones that he cares about or loves, then peoples balls or ahhes or gonna get kicked and faces are gonna get punched. You deserve a crap ton of awesome shizz and the crap of shizz thats not awesome thats happening to you right now, as sucky as it sounds, is life doing it's thing. You're gonna have fights with some people, lose friends, gain some, it's happens. You learn from the past (lmao i should too) and i think leasrning from it is the best thing you could do, along with helping others when you're feeling like total shizz. Chin up, Bud. It DOES get better. Takes a long as time to, but in the end, usually, it's worth it. You've come way too far to give up now. BOYYO YOU'RE GONNA BE 17 IN A FEW DAYS. You've survived 17 years of hell-ish and heaven-ish stuff. (meaning shizz and goodness) That's pretty awesome. Pathetically, to me it is. Yeah you are gonna deal with complete idiots in life, but ayyyyyyye in a way, you're at least smarter than someone. (i shouldnt even be talking lmao) You mean a lot to everyone. More than you think you do. You may have a little circle..if i can remember correctly...your day 1 peeps. lmao. Little circle but everyone's got an enormous, roomy spot for you intheir hearts. we care about you, we adore you, and we love you. If you're ever feeling down, you have enough people, even if it's just 1 person, that care for you and will attempt their best to lift you up. You kinda do the same, but also hit us with the "facts" or "observants" you've made about someone and make the people who feels like shizz, even shizzier, but also look at the situation through your perspective. 😕 Anywho, Chin up. You're awesome. You've made it 17 years far, there's no room for giving up. Life is short but we gotta live it while we can and days go by slow but years go by faster. Last time i checked, we were in 20-freaking-16. A whole year flew by me (i feel like that was wasted 😕) But i can almost guarantee you the years that are coming by while we're alive is going to come by slower but pass us reallyyyyyyyyy quick. LIVE YA LIFE AND LOVE WHO YOU CAN LOVE AND uhhh RAISE A MIDDLE FINGER TO THE SKY AND SAY F*CK IT ALL but also consider the shizz you do :))
Yesterday 4:45 PM
lol ok have fun reading that
Yesterday 9:06 PM
Oh and Someone wise once told me and everybody else to "stay positive". Might as well remind you
Dummy 9:42 PM
That was really nice of you to actually take the time to do that, I appreciate it. And yeah yeah I know, practice what I preach and all that Jazz
10:45 PM
I really dont mind retyping that and you better follow your own advice. (hard for me to do, but i'm learning and you should do it too, since you already know it)
Dummy 10:47 PM
I should, you're right
10:48 PM
THATS a plot twist, *i'm* right! But in all seriousness, you deserve more, yeah sometimes we should let things play out, but if we don't take control either, things will spiral out of control, more than they are now.
10:49 PM
I hope you feel better and everything thats great news to you happens
10:50 PM
Things may go to shizz, but it's up to you if you wanna make it *awesome*
10:52 PM
And try to rest while you can, okay?
~~~~~~~~~~~~`DISCLAIMER`~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reason why i post this is because i would like to remember these in case they get deleted off my phone...and this person means a lot to me, and i dont want to lose them. These past few texts are actual texts from conversations i've had with my friends...We're all going through something and this specific one is to uplift us..This friend is going through nearly the worst thing and Doing this makes me feel like any is capable of doing (positively)....I hope this does help some others as well.
Yesterday 4:45 PM
Alright Boyyo, long story short you're an awesome friend that says he doesnt give a shizz unless it involves ones that he cares about or loves, then peoples balls or ahhes or gonna get kicked and faces are gonna get punched. You deserve a crap ton of awesome shizz and the crap of shizz thats not awesome thats happening to you right now, as sucky as it sounds, is life doing it's thing. You're gonna have fights with some people, lose friends, gain some, it's happens. You learn from the past (lmao i should too) and i think leasrning from it is the best thing you could do, along with helping others when you're feeling like total shizz. Chin up, Bud. It DOES get better. Takes a long as time to, but in the end, usually, it's worth it. You've come way too far to give up now. BOYYO YOU'RE GONNA BE 17 IN A FEW DAYS. You've survived 17 years of hell-ish and heaven-ish stuff. (meaning shizz and goodness) That's pretty awesome. Pathetically, to me it is. Yeah you are gonna deal with complete idiots in life, but ayyyyyyye in a way, you're at least smarter than someone. (i shouldnt even be talking lmao) You mean a lot to everyone. More than you think you do. You may have a little circle..if i can remember correctly...your day 1 peeps. lmao. Little circle but everyone's got an enormous, roomy spot for you intheir hearts. we care about you, we adore you, and we love you. If you're ever feeling down, you have enough people, even if it's just 1 person, that care for you and will attempt their best to lift you up. You kinda do the same, but also hit us with the "facts" or "observants" you've made about someone and make the people who feels like shizz, even shizzier, but also look at the situation through your perspective. 😕 Anywho, Chin up. You're awesome. You've made it 17 years far, there's no room for giving up. Life is short but we gotta live it while we can and days go by slow but years go by faster. Last time i checked, we were in 20-freaking-16. A whole year flew by me (i feel like that was wasted 😕) But i can almost guarantee you the years that are coming by while we're alive is going to come by slower but pass us reallyyyyyyyyy quick. LIVE YA LIFE AND LOVE WHO YOU CAN LOVE AND uhhh RAISE A MIDDLE FINGER TO THE SKY AND SAY F*CK IT ALL but also consider the shizz you do :))
Yesterday 4:45 PM
lol ok have fun reading that
Yesterday 9:06 PM
Oh and Someone wise once told me and everybody else to "stay positive". Might as well remind you
Dummy 9:42 PM
That was really nice of you to actually take the time to do that, I appreciate it. And yeah yeah I know, practice what I preach and all that Jazz
10:45 PM
I really dont mind retyping that and you better follow your own advice. (hard for me to do, but i'm learning and you should do it too, since you already know it)
Dummy 10:47 PM
I should, you're right
10:48 PM
THATS a plot twist, *i'm* right! But in all seriousness, you deserve more, yeah sometimes we should let things play out, but if we don't take control either, things will spiral out of control, more than they are now.
10:49 PM
I hope you feel better and everything thats great news to you happens
10:50 PM
Things may go to shizz, but it's up to you if you wanna make it *awesome*
10:52 PM
And try to rest while you can, okay?
~~~~~~~~~~~~`DISCLAIMER`~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reason why i post this is because i would like to remember these in case they get deleted off my phone...and this person means a lot to me, and i dont want to lose them. These past few texts are actual texts from conversations i've had with my friends...We're all going through something and this specific one is to uplift us..This friend is going through nearly the worst thing and Doing this makes me feel like any is capable of doing (positively)....I hope this does help some others as well.
-~-~-ACTUAL TEXTS-~-~-
7:21 PM
OK, honestly, f*ck good grades. i f*cking give up. clearly that 96 on my history test means nothing if my mom is going to complain about the others. "All you do is party and play on the phone talking shizz" FIRST OFF, IM ALWAYS IN MY ROOM and SECOND OFF i wouldnt be talking shizz if i wasnt given reason to.
7:23 PM
"what is she doing" "why does she have low grades" "girls your age are studying to be a NURSE" HWUFOEISADJFVNDHAI FIRST OFF, SHE KNOWS I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. I HAVE TOLD HER EVERYTHING I HAVE WANTED TO DO, AND SHE'S GOING TO JUST F*CKING DO THAT???!!????!!!
7:23 PM
how about some words of f*cking encouragement.
7:24 PM
I know what i'm doing now, i know what i'm going to do -school related, not life LMAO still stuck on that part- just let me do it and dont say anything unless it's gonna help me and not make me feel shizzyy
Emily 7:25 PM
well bb i'm here and even if i'm not your real mama if you need encouragement i'm here
7:25 PM
being a freaking straight A is harder than she thinks. FIRST OFF, we got dumb f*cking students that waste our damn time in class. SECOND OFF, i suck a** at tests. passing that test was the happiest moment in my life, seriously. Especially history. i always got D's and F's since i took history classes (ever).
7:26 PM
I know, but it's not the same. i'm stuck with this woman 24/7 and forever.
Emily 7:26 PM
BOY RIGHT THAT P*SS*S ME OFF AND ME TOO WITH TESTS AND HISTORY
7:27 PM
I'm doing my homework in the living room, my brother has comany and im crying.
Emily 7:27 PM
i'm sorry
7:28 PM
:') Like you, i gotta suck it up, right?
7:28 PM
How're you feeling btw?
Emily 7:29 PM
it's not always best to suck it up tbh but i'm alright, how are you
7:35 PM
I love her too and for the past couple of months i have tried with her and told her i want us to be close like the girls i hear at my school say "i tell my mom everything" i told her that i never feel welcome and all of that stuff and nothing changes.
7:35 PM
i love her and my dad too, but in the end, someone gets hurt either way right? There's no win-win situation. those have always been just words. someone either shows it or is on the inside unhappy with the way things worked out
-~-~-Mom, i'm sorry, I can't win with you. I've tried, but you won't give in. Not even for the most important reason. One day...and soon...You're going to lose me.. i'm sorry, i tried but you didn't do anything. i screamed so loud, you became deaf, i wasn't heard.-~-~-
7:21 PM
OK, honestly, f*ck good grades. i f*cking give up. clearly that 96 on my history test means nothing if my mom is going to complain about the others. "All you do is party and play on the phone talking shizz" FIRST OFF, IM ALWAYS IN MY ROOM and SECOND OFF i wouldnt be talking shizz if i wasnt given reason to.
7:23 PM
"what is she doing" "why does she have low grades" "girls your age are studying to be a NURSE" HWUFOEISADJFVNDHAI FIRST OFF, SHE KNOWS I DONT WANT TO DO THAT. I HAVE TOLD HER EVERYTHING I HAVE WANTED TO DO, AND SHE'S GOING TO JUST F*CKING DO THAT???!!????!!!
7:23 PM
how about some words of f*cking encouragement.
7:24 PM
I know what i'm doing now, i know what i'm going to do -school related, not life LMAO still stuck on that part- just let me do it and dont say anything unless it's gonna help me and not make me feel shizzyy
Emily 7:25 PM
well bb i'm here and even if i'm not your real mama if you need encouragement i'm here
7:25 PM
being a freaking straight A is harder than she thinks. FIRST OFF, we got dumb f*cking students that waste our damn time in class. SECOND OFF, i suck a** at tests. passing that test was the happiest moment in my life, seriously. Especially history. i always got D's and F's since i took history classes (ever).
7:26 PM
I know, but it's not the same. i'm stuck with this woman 24/7 and forever.
Emily 7:26 PM
BOY RIGHT THAT P*SS*S ME OFF AND ME TOO WITH TESTS AND HISTORY
7:27 PM
I'm doing my homework in the living room, my brother has comany and im crying.
Emily 7:27 PM
i'm sorry
7:28 PM
:') Like you, i gotta suck it up, right?
7:28 PM
How're you feeling btw?
Emily 7:29 PM
it's not always best to suck it up tbh but i'm alright, how are you
7:35 PM
I love her too and for the past couple of months i have tried with her and told her i want us to be close like the girls i hear at my school say "i tell my mom everything" i told her that i never feel welcome and all of that stuff and nothing changes.
7:35 PM
i love her and my dad too, but in the end, someone gets hurt either way right? There's no win-win situation. those have always been just words. someone either shows it or is on the inside unhappy with the way things worked out
-~-~-Mom, i'm sorry, I can't win with you. I've tried, but you won't give in. Not even for the most important reason. One day...and soon...You're going to lose me.. i'm sorry, i tried but you didn't do anything. i screamed so loud, you became deaf, i wasn't heard.-~-~-
~it'll be another official year. in a week for me to say
i have lived this long after everything I've been through. I'm
Proud, but for the love of God and the sake of everyone around
me, please dont let me suffer on the day that means most to me by
having to spend 2 hours with you around. i see you enough, why
the frick does it have to be on the most important day that i'm
stuck with you? Hasn't the universe already gotten much proof
that im trying to get away from what i hated most? From the
people that hurt me most? . . . From the objects that hurt me
most? At least those 3 have taught me a lesson. You just gave me
a demo of what hell would be like.~
~You were my sky. ~I looked forward to every morning and
night because of you. ~For no reason...~You didnt keep me
calm...~You didn't love me like you said you did..~You didnt do
anything.~You loved me but you didn't know how to show it...~I
guess your way of loving me was by hurting me.~Those things you
said and did...~I used to be so happy because im at peace when i
look up at the literal sky~Now when i look up, all i want to do
is cry. ~No lie, sometimes i want to die because i let myself
give in~You were my sky...~But now i kind of want you to burn in
hell, but i know I'll see you there when im gone.
Wednesday 8/10/16
Current Status: Still feeling suicidal and very depressed. Made an emergency appointment with my counselor for tomorrow, and we have our first couples counseling appointment on Friday.
A lot has happened since my last (and first) post. The negativity between my fiance and I has gotten even worse. A random girl texted him and he won't tell her to stop. She texts him late at night and he does nothing about it but laugh in my face because it bothers me.
He seems to think that he is going to be allowed to tear me apart in couples counseling, but I think he's in for a surprise.
Main point is, I still want to kill myself.
****If you are confused by this post, please refer to my first post. You will understand the purpose behind this.
Current Status: Still feeling suicidal and very depressed. Made an emergency appointment with my counselor for tomorrow, and we have our first couples counseling appointment on Friday.
A lot has happened since my last (and first) post. The negativity between my fiance and I has gotten even worse. A random girl texted him and he won't tell her to stop. She texts him late at night and he does nothing about it but laugh in my face because it bothers me.
He seems to think that he is going to be allowed to tear me apart in couples counseling, but I think he's in for a surprise.
Main point is, I still want to kill myself.
****If you are confused by this post, please refer to my first post. You will understand the purpose behind this.
