Vent Quotes

Really hope these next 10 months bring good times, not loneliness and isolation. This is time I won't get back.
7/31/18
why is it so hard for me to cut anymore ?
everytime i try, i cant ever bring myself to do it.
i hold the blade against my skin but it doesnt move.
i used to get such a rush out of it.
it used to take the pain away.
i dont know what changed or why.
but i cant, and i wish i could.
I finally got the courage to tell you I was sorry for everything I put you through.
Even though I know you couldn't see me, I still tried to hold back the tears, but I failed.
I don't know why it hurts me so bad. Maybe it was because I've always loved you.
Maybe it's because neither of us had trust and that's what lead us to failure.
I guess we'll never know now. And even though I've apologized.. It still hurts.
It still lingers and bothers me. But at least now I can say I did it and work on it from there.

Talking the other day was nice. It was nice to catch up. It brought back a lot of memories.
It made me feel like maybe I hadn't lost you as a friend. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to protect you, or at least help you through everything you went through
after me. I feel like part of it was my fault. If I never left, would everything have gone
differently for us ? Still, we'll never know. But it's never bad to wonder what could've been.
I can't help but wonder why
I can remain only looking at your face and feeling only your body, for the rest of my life, never even being attracted to another man. 
But why you can't go a few seconds without having thoughts about other women. You think I don't hear you talk about her. You think I don't see what you're looking at while you sit right next to me. 
But I do, and i know it's silly but it hurts. 




i'm incredibly sick
of my grandfather and my mother getting all the sympathy for my grandmother's death. I've gotten a handful of hugs and sorry's for my loss from people, and have otherwise been completely ignored. I lost someone too. I lost a woman who comforted and inspired me in ways my own mother couldn't. I lost a person who loved me and took pride in me unconditionally. I lost a close relative and a true friend. My life was the way it was partly because of her, hell my existence was largely because of her, and now it will never be the same without her. I do not mean to sound entitled or selfish, I am aware and do not feel that this is a contest of who is suffering more deeply, and it's never been about getting attention, but I am alone in my particular form of grief and that loneliness has been intensified by people's lack of simple consideration. It bothers me to no end that my mom has been showered in gifts and keepsake memoirs and kind messages (has anyone ever thought that maybe I'd like a wax-dipped rose or a framed photograph too? Or perhaps a phone call to check in?) and my granddad gets all the praise for sharing articles and songs on Facebook that I posted and mentioned first. Writing and talking about ideas is a way for me to express myself, it is my outlet to release emotions, and I feel that that's being taken from me because he has to swoop in and steal my thoughts. Yes, I didn't know my grandmother as long as either of them and didn't get to spend as much time with her as they did, but that's merely a consequence of my age, my relationship to her and my living arrangement, none of which were ever in my control. She was still immensely important to me, as I was to her. People need to stop acting like my grandfather and mother were the only ones who loved her, the only ones who were loved by her, the only ones who were by her side when she took her last rattling breath. I'm just as hurt and scarred by this, maybe even more so because I am much younger and previously unaffected by this kind of event in life, and therefore unable to process it as easily.I suppose it doesn't matter, everyone is going to eventually stop actively caring about how we're all dealing, anyway.

circus of lunatics

playin spin the bottle with death and demise
russian roulette but with a fully loaded barrel
thinking there was a chance to win
games that only the freaks of the circus play
practicing on the tight rope
what some call a normal life
but falling and shattering the mask
nothing to hide behind
broken and afraid
there was a razor used to cut the tightrope
because no life is normal

we are a circus of lunatics
some entertaining pills
others alcohol
we all jump through the rings of fire
following the colourful banners because
that is the only thing that
isnt black and white
some dont mind getting burned in the ring
the burn could let us step out of the act
even if just for a minute
it was heaven
just a chance to catch our breath
step out of the rules and regulations
away from the whips and cattle prods
they treat us like animals
but we dont see anything wrong
because that is how we grew up
following their agenda
doing their tricks

we are the circus of lunatics






<< fifty words for murder >>
(  a n d  i ' m  e v e r y  o n e  o f  t h e m  )
_______________________

remind me again 

how it feels to be forgotten

even when the light 

was never on you
______________________
{Anxiety}
Am I really just over-reacting? 

 
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