Joined: June 29, 2012
Last Seen: 1 decade
user id: 313088
Location: Burlington, West Virginia
Gender: F
come back to me.
hi my names hannah. a aspiring tour manager or guitar tech. regular chinese
food consumer. somewhat of a writer. and a avid concert goer.


Quotes by rooftops*

A lot has happened.

I went away for a little while and had fully thought I was going to stay away until recent events. When I say a lot has happened, it's not a understatement. I've visited too many doctors, felt sick for almost two weeks, and still feel bad; but this is progress, right?
Thursday Jan. 2 I told my mom I needed to go back to therapy. After a long talk with a lot of tears, she complied. I wanted to fix myself. We made a doctor appoitment and I was rediagnosed with severe deperession and high anxiety. I'm on medicine for it. This medicine has made me sick but the side effects should burn off soon and I should start to feel better. I want to fix to myself.
I was told I needed to go back to my therapist even with the mecicine and I'm okay with that. I have a lot I need to get out and a lot I need to deal with. Things have happened to me that I've never felt comfortable sharing but maybe with the help of a professional I can accept them and move on. I want to fix myself.
While my therapist had canceled out first session the following Thursday she did call me and talk briefly. She told me I need a place to write things out and mark my progress. This is where she suggested I do it since I told her about this website when we used to have sessions.
I want to get better and that's not going to happen right away, but I'm glad that it will. It's gonna be hard and ruff, but I can do it. I'm strong. I've made it through nearly four years of emotional and mental discomfort, I can do it some more until I become better.

                                              Wish me luck.


Dear self,
I shouldn't be afraid to talk to my own mother.

When my mother is the one who brings me down, makes me feel bad about myself, and is usually the one making me cry - I'd say something is wrong. 
She's never once told me that she was proud of me and as I sat in my first block class today, I realized that. As I choked back tears I realized I'm still not what she wants.
I haven't talked to my dad in two months. Haven't spoken one word. 
My fake happiness is wearing away thin and I really want to finish my self off. I don't see why I should continue. At this point there is nothing left.
I give up trying to make things okay - they never will be.

                                              Sincerely, Hannah


Dear old friend,
Relapse is dumb and I hate it.

I'm so sick of not having a home. I'm not saying I don't have a house, I do, just not a home. My mom wants to move out and leave my dad. We are apparently because she packed up our entire living room, her room, and all the stuff we can. 
We don't have a apartment yet to go, so we're here. She keeps saying we're moving yet, she's still buddie-buddie with my dad. 
It's too the point where I don't know where I'm going. I sure as hell don't feel like I'm at home in this house anymore. If we stay, well I can't stay that because I can't stay.
I haven't talked to my dad in five weeks.

Relapse is dumb and I hate it.

                                              Sincerely, Hannah


Dear everyone,
     I think I owe you all something that you might have gotten confused. I feel you all have a unhonest opinion of me and think I've done barely any wrong and was just fairly did wrong by fate.

     I'm not honest. I used to be the worst compulsive liar and I have misstreated a lot of people. Some would say I deserve everything that's been handed to me-- and that may be the case. I just don't want you all to think of me as some innocent person. I don't derserve all the sweet sympathy.
        Just keep that in mind. Please. I couldn't stand if you all thought I was competely sweet.


Dear you,
     I'm back from the concert. I skipped another day of school because I just really didn't feel like going. My bad, but whatever.

        The concert story. Are you ready? I'm about to get really emotional and lame because this was the best concert I've been to. I've been to a lot of gigs, but this was by far my favorite. Here's why.
            We (my friend and I) got to the venue at 7 a.m. and sat there to wait. I was making sure I got first spot in line, holla. Well we stood there till around 10am and then another couple came and we all sat there and they brough out barriers to form the line. So my friend our standing the bands bus drove by and I saw Matt Flyzik in the front seat looking cute as heck. So I started freaking out because it was like "oh my god this is real" and all of a sudden I look across the street and Rian Dawson is walking with a crew member into the mall. Like I was flipping out like oh my god. So I started crying (I'm so lame but this band means so much to me) and then it just starts pouring down rain. I mean, it was freaking pouring.
           So a worker at the venue brought my friend and I and five other people inside the venue (!!!) and gave us wrist bands and was like, "Come back after the rain, it's cold out there and I don't want you sick. These wrist bands will give you the spot in front of the line back." and we turn around to walk out of the front of the venue and there Rian Dawson is, strutting into the venue with Starbucks in his hand and I was like "oh my god" and like left with my friend to go back to the hotel and like, I was crying and stuff.
          So we get back to the hotel, dry our clothes, eat, and then head back to the venue and few hours later. We return back to our spots and time flys back. Soon enough it's time to go inside. Well we got three people back from barriicade and the first band goes on. Rivers Monroe, and we wedge our way up to the second row.  Then The Wonder Years go on and we push our way to barricade. Their set was great and I caught the guitarest pic. It was awesome.
          The Wonder Years leave the stage and Flyzik goes out on stage to stick the setlists on and the lights dim and the bands backdrop goes up and my hearts racing as I'm watching the stage. Just waiting, waiting for this band that means so much to me to run out on that stage. The crowds getting anzy, I'm shaking and almost in tears next thing I knew those four dudes run out. My breath literally hitched as they run around and start playing and I'm jumping and screaming and it feels unreal. 
          The play and then stop and do the usual banter they always do and I'm smiling so wide. About half way through the set Alex Gaskarth brings out the acoustic guitar (I had no idea they were going to play acoustics) and then he starts playing Remembering Sunday. I'm almost in tears, I love this song, and it's beautiful as the entire crowd sings along. But that wasn't the biggest part. Therapy, a song that means a lot to me, was playing. Alex is strumming on his guitar and my throats getting closed up but I'm doing my best to sing along. Second verse comes around and I'm crying and I look up at him and he glances at me and smiles, like completely smiles at me as he sings a part and I just made myself stop crying. I made myself compose myself because I'm stronger than that.
               The acoustic songs end and the rest of the band comes out and the set continues. It's the last song and Jack Barakat (my picture is of him if your wondering, he's also the reason I'm still here) jumps on the barriacde in front of me and I grabbed his hand and held his hand and it's the most unreal thing. It's crazy. Just like that it's over and the band leaves. It was the best night of my life and no matter what, nothing can top that.
                                         A racing heart,  


Dear you,
     Memories are hitting me like a ton of bricks tonight. Everything I said to him; did with him. Which is weird because I haven't thought like this in a long time. I usually don't think about him, ever.

        I was fresh out of reading a book when I remember our promise. The promise that when we were 16 and he had a car, he'd save me. He'd take some cash he had saved up, pick me up one morning while my mom was at work, and we'd drive away. We'd keep driving until we were happy and we'd start fresh with each other. Just each other- because that's all we'd need.
            I started to get worried after thinking about it. I started to think that in a few years, he'll be going into the military and I'll probably never see that smile again. That smile that makes me happy no matter what's going on.
           I never feel the hugs again. The hugs he gives me everyday as he whispers something in my ear. It's usually differnet ever time, and that's what makes he special.
          I fight with the idiot so much but I love him to death. Maybe not a real love, but a teenage love? 
          Memories are hitting me like a ton of bricks tonight.
                                         A plea,   


Dear you,
     How are you doing? I figured I'd let you all know what's happened so your not worrying that I'm dead in my bathroom or something. So, my parents are still together. My mom decided to forgive "my dad." But I haven't talked to him in a week and a half. I refuse too.

       I'm going to see All Time Low monday. I'm very excited because that band has also helped me a lot and since I've never seen them live before, it'll be a good expierence. I'm going with my best friend so it'll be even better.
          I'm confused on a lot of things. I don't know if I should admit this, because it could change someones judgement on me and they know this account so I'm sure they'll see it. I'm shaking thinking about typing this but I have to let it out because it's been eating me up this past year, so here it goes:
I think I loved a girl.
           I don't mean friendship love. That's the scary yet confusing part of it. I always thought our friendship was nothing more than friendship but now that we aren't friends anymore, I clearly see something there that wasn't just friendship. And to tell you what- I think that's why it hurt loosing her so much. I didn't just lose my best friend, I lost a lover.
              When I was in 5th grade I kissed a girl. A different girl then the one previously mentioned. We all expeirement, right? Well we had a sort of thing and she used to always stay over and we would kiss and stuff. I've also never admitted this to anyone. Moral of the story, I was convinced it was nothing more then just kissing, but lets be honest friend's don't kiss. 
              I guess I've just been looking back on a lot of things in my life and questioning who I am and how I feel. I think I just want to be loved.
                                         With shakey hands,   


Dear you,
This is the story you heard a million times. On how life let me down in the simpliest of ways. Just as I was starting to become happy again. I come home today with the stress of a school assignment I kept putting off. It's due Thursday but that wasn't the real problem. As soon as I got home my parents were fighting. They fight a lot but it was extremely different. Then my mom said it. She was done and that she was planning on getting a divorce. I thought nothing of it because she's said it before but then we went to her friends and in the car she turned to me; tears in her eyes and said, "I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm sorry, I just don't." and then she told me about how she was going to get divorce papers tomorrow. And the world crashed down around me as I realized what was actually happening. So as I sat at her friends Cindy's house with Kris (Cindy's son) and they talked about how my mom and I are moving in this weekend; I bit back tears. Eventually I couldn't anymore and the walls crashed down and I cried in front of everyone. I guess what I'm saying is this is probably the end of me for awhile. I doubt I'll be able to be happy anymore, and I doubt I'll keep clean. I just think it's kind of sick how I can't even get the slightlest break from badluck. Well I have to go take down my band posters and start parking now.



Dear friend,
In school we've been talking a lot about our futures. I guess since I'm a sophmore now, and our futures are so soon, they want us to get serious about it. Which I am very serious about it.
It's just recently I've changed my mind on what I wanted to be. For awhile I was just going to be a cosmetoligist because it was less school and a easy job. But I realized that I wanted a real career and a real life for myself so I turned to the one thing I love- music.
Now don't get me wrong when I tell you what I want to be. I don't want to be in a band- that's not it. I want to work at a pop-punk record label. Whether I be working in the mixing table, the person who finds new bands, or promotes current bands. I just want to be in the music industry somehow. And since it's so vast, there's many opitions.
The problem with having so many opitions is that I never know which one to choose. So I just decided I'd major in business- go to community college in New York for the first year, then finish up in California. Since I want to move to California anyway, it'd make since. The year I was in New York, I'd be saving money and straightening everything out for the big move to Cali.
I take all this seriously because I am trying to figure out my future. And I think I'm doing pretty good at it so far for only being a sophmore. The only problem is that my mom doesn't want me to be that. Everytime I bring up college she tells me I should be lawyer and that it's her choice. But it's not her choice and it's not her future- do you think she understands that though? I hope you anwsered that no, because if you said yes, your wrong. I guess I'm just venting about my future because I'm trying to get my life on track but nobody seems to help or care. It's frusterating.



Dear stranger,

Today I looked in the mirror and I realized I had no idea who was looking back.