Dudu*

why am i always the one comforting you? if you told me you were in a slump i’d try to cheer you up. that’s what i do. you say i’m one of your favourite people. but you can’t even see through me. i can’t let myself love you anymore. you’re texting me now about other things. i just want to talk about my feelings. you say you’re my safe space but sometimes i can’t feel it. i’m really disappointed in you. you say were similar but sometimes i feel like i’m too much for you. you love that i empathise with you and care deeply but these deep feelings need a place to go too. i missed you and told you how i felt. you said you felt that way too. i really wanted you to ask me how i am. sometimes you’re amazing. sometimes you hurt me without knowing it. i’m really sensitive we’ve been over this. just wish you would drop everything for me like i try to do for you. cause right now i feel silly sad and used.

do you think one day i can tell you it all?
it would be the debrief of all debriefs.
i’d let you know of my thoughts the whole way through.

i still think it will happen.
if not you, then who?

i just want to be together, damn it.
i want to call you when there's a new dessert place to try.
i want to just sit in your car and drive.
we already do these things but i want them all the time.
i love you, i love you. there. i confess to myself for the thousandth time.
i just want to be with you all the time. :(
i just want to be with you for the rest of my life :((

my heart blushes for you a thousand blooms.
this doesn't make sense, but what can i do?
i know we could be so perfect for eachother.
i'm going to make myself accept that we're just not meant to be together.
in my eyes you've been my rory.
the fact that you even get this is grand.
i'm still not making much sense but this jibberish is all i have.
i'm sure i'll meet my match. my one. 
a part of me still believes i can find him in you.
but holding onto that hope only opens the wound.
one day i will tell you.
on one condition.
when we are both happily in love with others or eachother.
only then.
but what good would it do if we're not together.
so i'll revise the clause. 
i'll confess it all when we're together.
see, i don't even use the word if.
it's always been when. like it was just a matter of time.
time will tell.
am i a fool or a intuitive lover girl.
time will tell.

Who you holding out for, my darling?
Oh... darling!
'Best not be a waste of your sweet t-i-me!
Little d-a-rling.

i tried to replace you, but you're still my muse.
when he texted me back
and i felt my stomach twist,
i knew it then for sure it's only you that i want.
with your flaws and all.
for the longest time, i've been yours.
like a duck to water, you'll find your way to me.
i'll let you be mine when you're ready to be.

even after all this
i still have this gut feeling
this gut feeling that has never let me down.
i just know we'll make it.
i don't know the "how", 
we'll just leave that up to God.

i think it's really time that i let you go.
it's childish but i'm going to do this the only way i know.
if i focus on the good, i'll want to hang onto you forever.
so i must put the magnifying glass on the areas that you falter.

my new match will be wiser and taller.
he won't have girl friends that ask him out to dinner.
he'll be a true man of God and my faithful life partner.
he'll always know what to say.
he'll show he loves me everyday.
he'll always make it clear to me that i am for him and he is for me.

we'll be exactly what we need to be.
he'll be someone i can sink into and someone who can lift me up.
he'll take me out when i'm feeling blue.
he'll know me better than i do.