Dudu*

so far beyond disappointed.
felt like a nail in the coffin.
you're not really dependable now are you?

a part of me wants to believe that i could wait *forever* for you, 
but a part of me also knows i love myself too much to ever do that.

i'm kind of sick of us.

slow, begrudging walk.
it's never ending,
it's getting ridi-cu-lous.
how far is left? i have no idea.
it's getting so exhausting.

slow, deep breaths.
i keep walking and breathing this same, stale air.
how far is left? i have no idea, i am no wise man. 

time, may you fly?
may you help me out and send me to shore?
i am super sad, i am a leaf in the wind.
this low hanging fruit of a limp surrender,
it waves at me, but i am no loser.

 rain, may you stop?
may you sprinkle down when this monsoon clears?
i am super strong, but i am so human.
in the end, i am still here.
i know nothing else
i have no idea.

you know,
sometimes you make me feel so sad.

why am i always the one comforting you? if you told me you were in a slump i’d try to cheer you up. that’s what i do. you say i’m one of your favourite people. but you can’t even see through me. i can’t let myself love you anymore. you’re texting me now about other things. i just want to talk about my feelings. you say you’re my safe space but sometimes i can’t feel it. i’m really disappointed in you. you say were similar but sometimes i feel like i’m too much for you. you love that i empathise with you and care deeply but these deep feelings need a place to go too. i missed you and told you how i felt. you said you felt that way too. i really wanted you to ask me how i am. sometimes you’re amazing. sometimes you hurt me without knowing it. i’m really sensitive we’ve been over this. just wish you would drop everything for me like i try to do for you. cause right now i feel silly sad and used.

do you think one day i can tell you it all?
it would be the debrief of all debriefs.
i’d let you know of my thoughts the whole way through.

i still think it will happen.
if not you, then who?

i just want to be together, damn it.
i want to call you when there's a new dessert place to try.
i want to just sit in your car and drive.
we already do these things but i want them all the time.
i love you, i love you. there. i confess to myself for the thousandth time.
i just want to be with you all the time. :(
i just want to be with you for the rest of my life :((

my heart blushes for you a thousand blooms.
this doesn't make sense, but what can i do?
i know we could be so perfect for eachother.
i'm going to make myself accept that we're just not meant to be together.
in my eyes you've been my rory.
the fact that you even get this is grand.
i'm still not making much sense but this jibberish is all i have.
i'm sure i'll meet my match. my one. 
a part of me still believes i can find him in you.
but holding onto that hope only opens the wound.
one day i will tell you.
on one condition.
when we are both happily in love with others or eachother.
only then.
but what good would it do if we're not together.
so i'll revise the clause. 
i'll confess it all when we're together.
see, i don't even use the word if.
it's always been when. like it was just a matter of time.
time will tell.
am i a fool or a intuitive lover girl.
time will tell.