Status: working...yay.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 1 month
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

i have a black dog. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

i want someone who i'm sure of.
i want him to be certain too.
i believe true love should be effortless.
late night thoughts.
i don't think i've ever truly loved him
can't shake this thought that he is just using me
when he doesn't text me i get anxious and i hate that
a day never goes by without him reaching out to me.
think i have attachment issues for real
i test him in a way by keeping score
he's always the first to reach out, that makes the anxiety disappear
in person he's always kind and sweet
miss him when we're apart and i feel him get jealous when i'm paying other guys attention
omething is going on but i keep pretending it's not
i keep telling myself i can't love someone if i can't accept all of them

 i'm just so conflicted. cause i know life is good. but this depression. this sad sulky feeling always comes back to me. i tell myself it's like happiness. happiness will always come back. in the same way, this sad unsettling feeling will also come back. but it is never forever. 

it still feels awful. i feel like i have to always distract myself so i don't feel it. it's this feeling of dread. i thought i would be happier by now and i am but here i am still. 

It's gonna go one of two ways.
I'll be the one or the one that got away.

you didn't even really do anything bad.
it's mainly the stuff you didn't do.
i was measuring you against a version of youself i had heard you describe to me.
you can give your all to others, so i wanted a slice of that too.
i went above and beyond, but i feel like i'm just enabling you at this point.
it wasn't reciprocated to the extent that i would have liked.
i have needs and i can't be your biggest cheerleader if you aren't mine.
there were times when you didn't listen to me when i raised a boundary.
i really didn't like that.
so i'm going to sort these feelings out.

 i used to be the friend that takes  on average 72 hours to respond to a text. but now you've turned me into a different type of beast. i'm anxiously attached to my phone until the release hits and i get a text from you. the anxiety seeps out and transforms into a bubbly light feeling in my head.  i don't like that my mood still dips down with the affect or inflection of others. i'm not happy that i will have to feel this little discomfort till the day i die. i'm not happy that he's so different from what i know is good for me. i hate that most days i get through by a combination of visual, auditory and  physical distractions. i hate how numbed out and callous i can be when i'm hurt. i hate that sometimes writing things down is the only way i can recognise how i am doing. this whole time i was trying to keep him afloat but it killed a piece of me. my toxic positivity leaves me starved of attention and so infuriatingly meek. i've fallen for a friend that i see no future with. till this day seeing my mother laugh with my sister makes me happy and stings me just as bad. when i can't get a word in it brings me back to the worst feeling of all. so many disconnected feelings exist within me and i wish i could have it all sorted out once and for all.

And I knew
you'd come back to me

You'd come back to me
And you'd come back to me
And you'd come back.


it takes 
hard work
pain and
it's not meant to be easy.
maybe you're my first true love or first ever heart break.
i don't know how you'd feel about any of that
i never know who you're texting back.

i just know you can always come back to me.

tonight i don't know if you're out drinking with friends.
you said it'd be the last time, but i'm not sure.
i just know you can always come back to me.
all i know for certain is that you can trust me.

maybe you're the biggest mistake or the greatest gift of my life.
i'm not sure how to feel about any of this.
i just like speaking to you and having you around.
i hope this feeling doesn't expire for you before reaching me.
when we don't speak as often or when you don't respond the way i want you to,
i feel it slipping from me.

when i can't meet your needs and comfort you in the ways i know i should,
i feel you slipping away from me.

when i hear you joke around with her, i feel it then too.
do you feel that way when i joke around with him?

i know we're so similar.
but i don't know if your heart is like mine.
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