Dudu*

when we don't text i feel this knot in my stomach.
i think i am already   attached to you.
even if there's others on your roster...
i just don't know how to overcome you.

i want you to lock eyes with me   +   tell it to me straight.
it's okay if you smile, but i just need to hear it from you.
otherwise this all doesn't matter.
it would have all just been another one of those things.

i never want to lose you,
i never want to lose touch.
i never want to ignore you or awkwardly walk past.
i think that would break me,
so i don't like to think about it too much.

i think i understand you better than myself.
i think i love you more than anything else.

 

it's never been this bad. 
i'm really attached this time.
when anyone asks if were together i just brush it off, but it's really bad.

when i slip into a daydream, it's always involving you.
when i see something sweet, i always share it with you.
when i'm having trouble sleeping, i always text you.
when i'm stressed out, i've found myself leaning on you.
it's really never been this bad.

to be honest, it's really never been this good. 
i'm just anxiously anticipating the part where it goes sour,
so i keep telling myself 'this is so bad'.
because it's dangerous. if this ends, i don't know how i'll make it without you.

i almost don't want to write this but i remind myself this isn't for you. this is for my own release.
time and time again i gave second chances. a part of me has completely turned away from you now.
you won't get anything more than surface level from me anymore.
i hadn't seen this side of you for a while so i forgot how awful you could be.
no compassion or empathy. just relentless nagging and no care to my feelings at all.
you didn't care to think that i had been overworked.
you didn't care to think that i was holding back so i didn't burst into tears there and then.
you never say sorry cause you never think you're wrong.
but you were wrong. the way you acted wasn't okay.
everyone else felt the tense air and told me it wasn't right.
i hate when you act like that and expect me to treat you like normal after. that's not fair.
it's not fair for you to have unrealistic expectations and drain me, scold me, bother me for not reaching them.
i'm so over that attitude that you show when you feel like enough hasn't been done.
i'm mostly hurt that i was working so many days, and each day still worked overtime to get things done.
meanwhile you were off and didn't think at all about the hell i'd gone through when i was alone.
you didn't think of the fact that i was physically and mentally drained. 
you were just focussing on what else needed to be done.
just nitpicking and repeating the same points over and over. no response i gave satisfied you.
i knew you just wanted me to agree, that i was in the wrong, that you weren't asking for much.
no. you were expecting to come back to everything being perfect. 
you were expecting a 4 man job out of 3 people.
you knew the only way that would happen was if i were to bend myself backwards even more, stay back at work even more and bleed myself dry even more.
i deserve an apology. not that look on your face.

i've been in survival mode these past few weeks.
i need to start living again.
i need to eat healthily.
i need to get enough sleep.
i shouldn't be feeling so exhausted all the time.
i'm still young.

i want someone who i'm sure of.
i want him to be certain too.
i believe true love should be effortless.

late night thoughts.
i don't think i've ever truly loved him
i can't shake this thought that he is just using me
when he doesn't text me i get anxious and i hate that
a day never goes by without him reaching out to me.
i think i have attachment issues for real
i test him in a way by keeping score
he's always the first to reach out, that makes the anxiety disappear
in person he's always kind and sweet
i miss him when we're apart and i feel him get jealous when i'm paying other guys attention
something is going on but i keep pretending it's not
i keep telling myself i can't love someone if i can't accept all of them