Mystery_Writer225

Hehe I love it!

:)))

fav chapter so far :)

Very gooe

Thank you!(:

Haha! :D I can't wait to see what will happen next! I'm dying to find out!

Can I ive you some constructive critisism? Cause again I love the sorry idea, it could just be enhanced a lot if you work on some things.

For example. The first sentence should actually be two sentences, divided between different and today. Or at least with a semi colon if not making them diff sentences. Also, the sentence beginning with "regardless" is a little bit repetitive, with you again saying the I want to look good thing. Instead you could do something like: "Getting ready was going to be different today. I wanted to look good, regardless of whether this was a date or all in my head."

When you are describing her outfit, you can again separate it into two sentences instead of repeatedly using "with". My seventh grade teacher forced us to write essays while never using the same word In a sentence twice, even it was "a" or "the" or something. It was a wonderful excersize; you should try it some time. Anyway, after you say "side pocket," you can start a new sentence and start it with something like, "I accesorized the outfit with blah blah" and describe the shoes, make up, etc.

After that, you again are very repetitive with the word "smile." When you're talking about her walking to the door, you can say something like, "I was trying to surpress a giddy smile while walking to the door" or something like that. Then when she says hi to him, you could use the word grin instead of smile, and say something like"'Hey,' I grinned, unable to contain my excitement." And when he says hey back at her, you could use the word smirked rather than smiled or reusing grin. So it could be "he said, smirking at me." Or just "he smirked."

Later, when you talk about her fear of motorcycles, and between the words "though" and "that" when she decides not to share her fear, instead of using a comma, it would be more effective to use a hyphen. In the next sentence, starting with "so," you don't really need the "with the expectation of him joining me" part, because its pretty much assumed that she expects him to join her, you know?

And again, when you write that sentence about the tough girl look, it should be two sentences really, separated between "girl" and "act." If you don't make them different sentences, at least use a semi colon or hyphen. If you want to use a comma, say "..act, because it doesn't..."

In the next sentence, there should be an "and" between "hand" and "he." And as for the following two sentences about the helmet, this time, they could actually be one, since "gently touched my chin fastening the straps" isn't actually a sentence. Instead of a period there, use a comma to combine that sentence to the one before, to make it, "He lightly placed the helmet on my head, gently touching my chin while fastening the straps."

After she thanks him for that, he says "you are welcome." It just sounds kinda awkward, so use "You're welcome" instead, cause no one really says "You are."

Then after he asks if shes coming, again you can combine the next two sentences about him smirking and staring. But actually, they are kind of contradictory anyway. Like its not "JUST staring" if you're smirking too, you know? So just choose one adjective to use there.

Then in the dialogue when he talks about her holding him, it should be, "You know THIS" not that, and it would be more effective to surround "scary, I know," with hyphens rather than commas.

There are also little technical things like the spaces before commas and stuff. There's a lot more i could add, but lets start with that. Hope that helps(;

And if my "attitude" has anything to do with the winky face at the end, then jftr, it was meant to be a smiley, or with the "sorry idea" at the beginning, that was meant to be story. Again, I am soooooo sorryyyyyy from the bottom of my SOUL for my typos and auto correct.

I understand auto correct. I understand typos . I just took the winky face and the seventh grade exercise the wrong way for that i apoligize. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to revise the writing i appreciate it.

I'm sorry, but I really don't see how you could misinterpret that, but whatever. When I said you should try that excersize, I was being 100% legit. It was incredibly helpful to me as a writer, and I wanted to share that with you, cause I truly believed it would help you too. And the winky face I can kinda get if you misunderstood, but even that, like after someone types so much for you when it's obv in every other part that they're trying to help not degrade you...like idk. It was just frustrating for me to come on here, give you a bunch of suggestions for your story and you as a writer, and then for you to reply correcting my typos and talking about my attitude when I spent so long, SOOO long, just trying to be helpful. I'm sure you understand why that was very aggravating.

Yes ,and for that i apologize.It's just i'm a sophmore in high school obviously with terrible punctuation abilities , so when you said a seventh grade exercise I was slightly offended whilst , i shouldn't have been and i realize that .I sincerely understand why you were aggravated and i apologize. Thank you once again , for you advice and being helpful i honestly appreciate it.

It's fine, and I really do hope that helped. and again, i was being serious when I said you should do that exercise. That teacher was wonderful, and the grade we did it in really did not matter cause it was just incredibly helpful(:

I just finished my sophomore year too. How old are you?

It did ! I'm attempting to get better , each update.I'll try it sometime (: I'm 15 hbu?

I'm only 14. When's your birthday? And would you still want some suggestions, or are you good?

My birthdays was last week. I would still want suggestion(:

Ohh okay, well happy belated birthday! I turn 15 in January. Did you finish sophomore year, or will you be in it?

Thank you ! I'll be in it. (:

Ohh okay. I just finished mine. I was trying to figure out if you skipped grades too lol

oh nope lol

(: I skipped two, thats why I'm 14 and about to be a junior lol

Ah that's cool (:

Ehh I guess. And btw, there was a TON of improvement between this chap and chap 11. Nice job(:

It has to be at least a bit interesting with older kids right? Thank you (:

I mean, I'm just as mature as themm, more so than quite a few, so its basically just less looking around and wanting to smack my forehead from the stupidity surrounding me then if I was in 8th like I'm supposed to be lol.

If you're 14 wouldn't you be a freshman , or going into sophmore year?

Yeah I mean I'd be finishing eighth right now and going into ninth.

No , because i'm 14 and i'm going into my sophmore year and haven't skipped any grades.

uhh you said you just turned 15? In America you usually go into 10th at 15 or at least turn 15 in the first few months of it, cause all the Sweet 16's are during sophomore year lol.

Yeah , sorry i'm just so used to saying 14 it's a habit ,but yes I am american .But yes wait did you just turn 14 or are you turning 15?

Haha I get that. I'm like legit 14 and 1/2. I turn 15 in January, which is past the school cut off date, so I should be entering ninth grade right now. (:

Oh that makes sense.(:

do you notify?

if you would like (:

ok yes please! I love this story!

I will ! I'm glad (:

Omg. I like the overall story, but there are a lot of grammatical, spacing and sentencing issues that if fixed, would really enhance the story. Please notify me!

I'm glad (: I will do my best ! I'm really bad with grammar . I will !(:

A cliff hanger I love this story so much♥

I'm so happy you do <3

:O haha (:

haha XD

lol , i attempted to give her a southern touch ,but i don't know if i'm doing it correctly being as i'm from the city .

i'm glad!(: Oh my gosh , you're so positive i love it .

I'm glad (: Yes , I've been doing my best in my last chapter because others had brought it to my attention , but thank you for feedback (: hint:I love feedback .All feedback is helping unless it's like you know far out there but you get my drift(:

Thank you!(:

Love it!!!!!

i'm glad !(:

:D

This story is amazing can you pleasee continue it??

Yes , it's been a while ,but i'm going to try to update it today .Awkward being as it's been a month haha but thank you and thank you for even reading it cx

Do you notify??!

I'm not quite sure what that is , but i'm guessing it mean to tell people when i update the story?(This is my first story on witty)

Yeah!! Could you? I really love this story

Yes!I'm glad i was afraid nobody would like it.